What problems of teenage society bother you. Problems of modern teenagers
In situations where adolescent behavior becomes increasingly problematic, it is important to resolve difficult situation before it gets out of control.
The main problems of modern teenagers:
1. A teenager is obsessed with electronic devices.Most teenagers are constantly focused on mobile phones and text messages, for them it is a way to stay always in touch with their friends. However, this should not interfere with other aspects of their lives, such as studying, helping around the house, and self-development.
Some parents install computers in the common rooms of the house to be able to monitor activities; others set time limits on the use of devices. In addition, you can set restrictions on various sites and programs with unwanted content.
2. A teenager is hostile to parents.
Parents may not notice when their affectionate child has turned into an irritable teenager who behaves disrespectfully, speaks in a boorish way, rolls his eyes and ignores the rules. For most of adolescence, young people learn their own patterns of behavior, which would be different from the behavior of their parents.
The opinion of friends is valued much more than the opinion of family, and this can be dangerous. Be that as it may, it is important to establish basic norms of behavior, and important rule is a ban on arguing with parents. Your teen must understand that you will not tolerate inexcusable behavior towards you.
3. A teenager quickly loses his temper.
Any words provoke a teenager to irritation and rage, make them scream, cry, stomp their feet and run away to another room. This is often the result of physical and emotional changes that the child is going through. However, this seriously complicates communication with him.
Try to change your tactics - instead of moralizing and advice, try expressing sympathy for him. This will allow you to connect with your teenager and achieve honest communication.
4. A teenager tells a lie.
There are many reasons why a teenager may not be telling you the truth. For example, the desire to hide some facts from parents as a way to achieve greater independence. When your child hides the details of his life, it can be a warning sign that he has fallen into bad company and is engaged in dishonest business.
It may also mean that a teenager will not turn to you for help if they need it. It is necessary to understand what kind of problems the teenager is hiding. In case of unsuccessful attempts, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.
5. Teenager arrives late.
Adolescents often experience limits, and often deliberately break the established curfew. Before you start a row, try to find out if the curfew set by the parents of his friends is really much later than yours.
If you're worried about your teen engaging in dangerous activities, then make sure you warn them of the consequences and are able to enforce the rules to break the nascent dangerous habit.
6. Teen chooses bad friends.
You may think that some of your teen's friends dress inappropriately and are a bad influence, but this is not always a cause for alarm. A teenager can be very attached to friends, and any criticism of them will be taken sharply as personal criticism. Therefore, it is often better not to express your opinion too harshly.
Of course, if you're worried about your child taking drugs or engaging in other dangerous activities, it's important to intervene early. Family therapy can help find solutions to the bad influences of friends.
7. Teen experiments with sex.
It is natural for teenagers to be more interested in sex due to the increase in hormonal changes in the body. It is important for parents to make sure that the child is aware of the possible consequences of sex.
If you find that your teenager is already sexually active, try to be objective and look for ways to deal with emotional and physical problems if they have already happened.
8. A teenager uses drugs.
Teenagers can be curious about drugs, so it's important to make sure your warning about their dangers is upfront. It is necessary to try to create such an environment in communication with a teenager in which, on the one hand, he will be comfortable talking with you about his curiosity, but, on the other hand, your position on the dangers of drugs will remain firm.
Try to understand why a teenager wants to use drugs. Perhaps friends in his company insist on it. Asking questions directly will help you find a more effective solution to your drug problem.
There are situations, such as abuse or sexual addiction, that require professional intervention. Psychotherapists and other psychologists can help find a possible solution to the problem.
One of the most frequent topics for discussion on the Internet is the problems of teenagers. Both I and my friends often faced this, so I hope that this article will help other modern teenagers to fix something in their lives. One of the most important teenage problems is quarrels and disputes with adults. So first you need to figure out what is behind it.
Problem number 1 - we are no longer children.
During the period that is usually called adolescence (and this is approximately from 12 to 18 years), a person changes very much. He grows up, begins to understand himself, listen to himself, from a child turns into an adult. And it is at this age that the child learns to live separately, to independently take care of himself and his environment. Because of this, the child moves away. He has already grown beyond the age of being cared for, but is still too young to fully support himself. . We already want to seem like adults, but for parents we still remainchildren- that's the gistproblems for teenagers. But how to deal with it?
- The first step is to understand that quarrels and disputes will not lead to anything. You need to communicate calmly, without transitions to raised tones.
- Secondly: do not try to hurt or offend. Do not compare either children or parents: "But Nastya ...", "But Aunt Lena ...". This is unpleasant and insulting, it does not bring any benefit, but the person begins to look for a problem and think that he is somehow not like that, imperfect and wrong. If the mother can still swallow resentment, then the teenager begins to think that he is bad and his parents do not like him. If you talk about your child, pay attention only to his actions, and not to how things are with others.
- Third: try to find common decision adolescent behavior problems. That is, you really need to hear the opinion of the parent and teenager. Talk. We are old enough to understand. But also communicate with us as with adults, and do not scold us like little children.
Problem #2 When parents complain about us.
Let's imagine a situation when adults with a teenager begin to complain about him to someone else. Familiar, right? Complain to a lot of people: friends, teachers, relatives and acquaintances in the store and at a party. Why is this happening?
I can highlight two problems:
- When parents want outside support. In fact, this is not even a complaint about a teenager, but about the tiredness of a parent in general. Adults also want to be comforted and supported. Even we understand it sometimes! But the fact that you complain to us, teenagers, is very insulting!
- Second: when the parent wants to confirm his opinion. It is usually presented like this: "Here, even Aunt Lena agrees that two triples are very bad!" Well, it's cool that she agrees. Believe me, we also know that five is better than three. Maybe it's better to splurge why it happened?
In both cases, this is a big problem, especially when it is said right in front of a teenager. Please don't do this! If you are tired, say so directly. Or at least think about why you so want to complain to that STRANGER about your own child. I think the best way out is simply not to take family quarrels out of the house. If you quarreled, this is only your business, your emotions and you don’t need to dedicate someone else to them. Decide everything at home, alone, calmly.
Problem #3 - A teenager's pocket money.
Next, I want to talk about another problem, which, by the way, is an excellent example of finding a joint solution to the issue. undergrowthok asks for more than he is given. Mom and daughter are arguing over money. My daughter wants to buy something for herself, but she does not have enough money. She thinks she should be given more pocket money. Mom thinks that this thing is not too necessary and you can’t give your daughter too much, because she indulges her with this.
Here are some workarounds for this problem:
- Great option - educationteenagerhandling money. At the beginning, the child is given a small amount of pocket money. Then, as the daughter grows older, or when the teenager learns to handle finances better, this amount increases and the mother begins to include jewelry, accessories, stationery, gifts for relatives and friends.
- An alternative financial solution: instead of pocket money, a teenager finds a part-time job that provides her with pocket money for small expenses. It may not be a difficult job, but the child will have his own money.
Parents, here are more comments on the topic of pocket spending - please read them and never do this. By these actions you offend terribly teenager!
- If you give your child money, don't take it back!
It's very upsetting for a teenager when the money they gave you is taken back. If you have already agreed that you will give funds, try to at least reduce the amount due to fault, and not take back what you gave from the teenager. Imagine you were paid a salary at work. You decide to buy a dress, fill up your car, go to a concert - whatever. And your boss comes to you and says: “We have problems, this amount needs to be returned back.” What do you feel here?
- If you gave money to a teenager, this is now his period.
Let us decide for ourselves what we will spend them on, whether we will save up, or spend it on the first day. Nobody tells you how to manage YOUR funds. If you don't want to give money, it's better not to give at all. This is very embarrassing for us. Teenage interests are different, keep that in mind
- If you want your son or daughter to learn how to deal with finances, give complete freedom in this matter!
How often are the phrases heard from parents: “Well, I bought some nonsense, it would be better if I bought myself a new pencil case, this one is already scary”, “Are you saving? What are you saving for, I wonder to know? Well, this is only toys for kids!". And it turns out even worse if a teenager listened to you, bought with his own money what you considered necessary. And then, in response to his request, he receives: “Well, no, I won’t buy this garbage! You had money, I wish I had left it!”. It's very annoying, believe me.
Problem number 4 "But I'm at your age ..."
There is a point that could be classified as the second, but I want to talk about it separately. Admit it, children, teenagers, adults, how many times in your life have you heard: "But I'm at your age ...". Further, this phrase is usually followed by a story about the difficult childhood and adolescence of the parent and the conclusion: your parents were plowing like crazy, but you are still lazy! Well, admit it, almost everyone has heard it, and more than once. So, dear parents of teenagers, now to you. Please don't say that. You compare us with you, but you completely forget how many years there are between us! You lived in different conditions, in a different time. You have your time, your life, and we have ours. We have not seen your past, we have not lived in it, and we simply do not know how to live differently. And you are not teenagers now and do not live in our modern world! It's not that easy for us either!
Problem number 5: the realization of the parent through his child.
In fact, it is very related to “Here I am at your age.” This happens when mom or dad really wanted something when he was a teenager, but there was no way to implement it. And now that they already have theirchildrenthey try to givesomething that they did not have time to try themselves, while completely forgetting,maybe it's not interesting at all! And when the protest begins, in response we hear - what? Correct: "Are you also indignant? Yes, you should rejoice! At your age I really wanted to play the piano, but I could not solve this problem. But you can!" It's awful to hear in adolescence! And this is absolutely wrong. Did you want to play the violin? But your son wants to go to football. Do you want to learn German? And your daughter wants to learn French. Modern reality different, and your child is a different person. And this is important to understand.
We are not a copy of our parents, we are completely different people.
We teenagers may not want to do what you love, and that's completely normal. And extra classes will not add joy, but will only take time. This also includes other hobbies, other tastes, a different style of dress and behavior. The modern world is different. And this is absolutely normal!
instead of a conclusion.
Here I talked about the problems of modern teenagers. About what hurts us, offends us. I shared my opinion on how you can help us. You know, there are still many teenage difficulties - lessons, not enough time, you always owe something to someone, but these are all trifles, if you understand us!
Parents, love your children! This is the main solution to the problem. Try to understand the teenager. Do not swear, but agree, not just ban, but explain why you are against it. Do not think that we, teenagers, do not need care - we need parental love and affection like no one else. We are still children. If you want to make us happy, love us just the way we are! We are different. We are people. We want to be ourselves. But your support is important to us, even if it seems that a teenager does not care. This is not true! We love you very much too! After all, children and parents are family, relatives and close people.
How can the training center K.O.T.
We understand the difficulties of children and parents, we know them "from the inside" and from all sides. That's why it's great when kids start visiting. They change their outlook on life, their relationship with their parents. It's interesting when this happens - a teenager who attends trainings persuades a parent to go with words - I also want you to understand!!! And the result then exceeds all expectations :)
If the issue of relations between children and parents is relevant for you, we are waiting for you at our trainings!
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Many parents clutch their heads when their children are 12-13 years old. Obedient and exemplary boys and girls become rude, impudent, often deny everything that was instilled in them at home. There are, of course, children who, even at a transitional age, only please their parents, but they are a minority. On the eve of the school year, we would like to talk about the most typical problems of modern teenagers and the reasons for their conflicts with their parents.
There comes a time in every child's life when for the first time he asks the question: “Who am I? What do I want from life? Whom I want to become?". Questions grow exponentially, and in life there comes a time to search for answers. In a short period of time - from 11 to 16 years old, the child takes a huge step in development and becomes a teenager. At this time, not only the psyche of a teenager changes dramatically, but also his hormonal and physical condition. A teenager becomes vulnerable and without proper support is not able to cope with the formation of his personality on his own. A period of internal conflicts with oneself begins, accompanied by frequent changes in mood, the search for new friends and hobbies, as well as the appearance of aggression. During this period, teenagers begin to have problems with their parents. The reason for this is such internal contradictions of the child:
A teenager considers himself an adult, although he still remains a child in terms of his real strengths. The main contradiction here lies in the formula: “I am an adult, therefore I do not trust other adults”;
The child defends his right to the role of a unique and inimitable personality, and immediately strives to “be like everyone else”;
A teenager strives to belong to a particular social group and be its full member. However, teenage groups are the most closed and beginners almost never get there. From here begins the development of the loneliness of a teenager and difficulties in communicating with peers and the social environment.
From these contradictions, all the main problems of adolescents grow: family, sexual, and behavioral problems.
To understand how to help a child cope with them, consider the most common problems.
1. The child stopped talking to his parents and began to hide his problems.
A teenager really wants to separate from adults, to be independent and independent. This rebellion is in his nature. The family does not cease to play a huge role in the life of a child, the opinion of parents and other adults is important for a teenager, but at the same time he wants independence. Often a teenager does not know how to ask adults for advice, thinking that by doing so he will sink in the eyes of his parents and again rise to the stage of childhood. Do not interfere with the child, probing the boundaries of the possible. Show attention to the child, explain that you are not going to condemn him, scold him, blame him for anything, but do not pester him with questions, just show that he has his own inner untouchable space, but you are always there.
2. The teenager's academic performance has decreased.
Since the main activity of a teenager is communication, it is on this that the child's progress in school depends. So, for example, when relations with peers worsen, a teenager's academic performance drops rapidly and, conversely, than better relationship with peers, the higher the level of achievement.
In addition, at the beginning of adolescence, the first sexual desires and interests, and there is a withering away of previous, children's interests, this is also associated with a drop in academic performance and a decrease in overall performance. But thanks to this, the teenager forms new system interests, which includes an increased interest in the psychological experiences of other people, as well as oneself. The child begins to think about his future and creates his own imaginary reality, a dream.
3. The teenager got involved with the "bad company."
Adolescents attach great importance to distinguishing themselves as a separate, unique member of society. Attempts to stand out from the "gray mass" can lead the child to commit antisocial actions.
Adolescents seek to expand the boundaries of their own as soon as possible. personal experience, they seek adventure, and often do not recognize their behavior as deviant from the norm. They consider this to be absolutely normal, as they are very passionate about themselves and do not yet know how to adequately assess situations and their own capabilities.
The reason for deviations in the behavior of adolescents can also be misunderstanding on the part of parents and peers, neglect, lack of communication within the family, connivance by relatives, and even a negative assessment of the child by the parents of his friends.
If it seems to a teenager that he is rejected by everyone, and the need for self-affirmation is not satisfied, then the child is looking for a company outside the school. Often such companies are called "street", they say about them that "the child got into a bad company." A teenager needs to prove to himself and others that he is an adult, and, like every adult, he has friends. In this company, the child can compensate for his personal failures at school.
4. The teenager has stopped going out.
Transitional age is a very difficult period for the child himself. From within, he is torn apart by a storm of emotions, with which he is not always able to cope. Some children withdraw into themselves, begin to get involved in reading, movies, spend a lot of time on the Internet and social networks - this is normal. Not all teenagers spend all their time walking on the street. Some need peace in order to find their "I".
5. Why a teenager is unhappy with his appearance?
Teenagers are very passionate about their appearance and react very painfully to any discrepancy with their subjective norm of appearance, therefore they exaggerate and invent bodily defects. “I have ugly heels” is a normal phrase of an ordinary teenager. Be patient with such dissatisfaction, with attempts to change your appearance - all this is necessary for a teenager to realize his own uniqueness and begin to adequately evaluate himself.
6. A teenager constantly thinks about the opposite sex.
A huge role in the life of a teenager is played by sexual interests.
A biological feature of adolescence is hormonal changes in the body. This is related to the gender identity of adolescents. It is at this age that the features of behavior regarding their gender role are fixed.
One of the reasons for the appearance of conflicts at this age is precisely puberty. The influx of sexual energy unbalances the inner balance, and this causes an imbalance in mental state teenager.
So, if your child has begun a transitional age, be patient and try to calmly perceive all the changes in the behavior and character of a teenager. Everything that will happen to him in the coming years has a physiological and psychological explanation, and your child is not to blame for the fact that a storm flares up inside him. Just be there, try to round the corners and not get into conflicts, accept his desire to seem like an adult, and talk, talk as much as possible with the child, even if it seems to you that he does not listen to you. Believe me, he listens and listens, he just does not show it.
How to help your teenager cope with the crisis of growing up
1. Create and maintain a warm, trusting relationship with your teenager. Accept your teen for who they are. It is important that every day a teenager receives signs of your love and acceptance in the form of affectionate words of encouragement, hugs. Avoid irony, tactless remarks when communicating with a teenager. Well-known family therapist V. Satir recommended hugging a child several times a day, saying that four hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone just for survival, and for wellness You need at least eight hugs a day.
2. Be patient and tolerant when dealing with a teenager. Change your communication style, switch to a calm, polite tone and give up categorical assessments and judgments, negotiate more often, argue your opinion, and compromise.
3. Be interested in the opinion of a teenager, try to look at the world through his eyes, try to find with a teenager mutual language.
4. Give the teenager the opportunity to feel like a full member of the family with an opinion that counts.
5. Form the habit and need to talk heart to heart with parents, trust secrets. Never use the frankness of a teenager against him, do not rush with assessments and advice, be able to patiently and non-judgmentally listen and sympathize.
6. Be ready to review and discuss with your teenager the restrictions and prohibitions that you adhered to in the past, give him more independence.
5. Show interest, get interested in your teenager's hobbies, try to find something interesting in them for yourself. Don't criticize, ignore, or make fun of your teenager's hobbies you don't understand.
6. Use the teenager's desire for self-affirmation, provide him with positive opportunities for self-realization.
6. Plan and spend leisure time together.
7. Speak with respect and interest about the teenager's friends, do not criticize them, give the teenager the opportunity to invite his friends to visit, this will give you the opportunity to learn more about your child's social circle. Talk to your teenager about his friends more often.
8. Be sincerely interested in the experiences and problems of adolescents, demonstrate your respect and recognition of their personality and individuality.
9. Teach your teenager to solve problems on his own, and not ignore them.
10. Form the habit of setting goals, planning your actions to achieve your goals.
11. Give the teenager the opportunity to design their own space (room), choose the style of clothing. Help your teen find it, if needed. own style in clothes, hair, etc.
12. Respect the teenager's personal space, knock when entering his room, do not look into his diaries, give the teenager the opportunity to control the order in his room, as it is convenient for him.
13. Share your feelings with your teenager, turn to him for help and advice, talk about how important his support is to you.
14. Be a role model for your teenager, find ways to maintain and strengthen your authority in a non-violent way. Be a friend to your growing child.
15. When communicating with a teenager, remember yourself at this age more often, perhaps you will understand his feelings and actions more clearly.
Adolescence is not only a difficult test, but also a period of great changes that can compensate for early childhood problems: the ability to overcome shyness, understand the inner value of oneself, learn to communicate and build relationships with peers.
Problems in a teenager's life are inevitable. And only in your power, dear parents, to make it easier for the child to find himself and help overcome these problems. No matter how a teenager behaves, before punishing him, stand in his place and try to understand how difficult it is for him during this period. Let not immediately, but the child will appreciate your support and will be grateful to you for the rest of his life.
Parents whose children enter adolescence are terrified of sudden changes in their child's behavior. Psychologists and teachers assure that there are ways to solve the problems of adolescents, but not all mothers and fathers adequately withstand this difficult period.
The student has no real problems, but he can create them for others. If parents and school did not pay attention to the changes in the character of teenagers, they would not feel lonely and would not try to show their independence and individuality in spite of everything.
Most problematic situations are easily resolved through peaceful negotiations. But parents stubbornly continue to educate and guide the grown child. And he begins to persistently oppose it.
If you try to concretize the problems of adolescents, you can immediately see that they are different for everyone and do not occur in all without exception. Strange behavior may depend on the situation, gender, character, personality, upbringing and communication environment of the child.
Experts have identified the most common:
If a teenager spends time with friends who have created a musical group or are fond of a certain sport, this is not so scary. It is dangerous that children after 12-13 years of age feel the desire to try cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and find attractive companies where such activities are fashionable. The desire to be “like everyone else” leads to the fact that the use of prohibited foods occurs against the desire of a person.
Awareness of one's gender.
Of course, children are already aware of the differences between boys and girls, but it is during adolescence that they become aware of their attraction to opposite sex. Connections with peers and "older" friends may occur, and active masturbation appears. Virginity is perceived as something shameful, because of which boys especially suffer.
Difficulties in communication.
The spread of social networks in the last decade has exacerbated certain problems of adolescents associated with establishing relationships with others. The inability to communicate live leads to secrecy, isolation, and then to depression. The child spends a lot of time on the Internet, in computer games, does not want to make contact.
Desire to assert itself in society.
main source deviant behavior is the desire to defend their individuality and independence. Someone else's opinion and advice from adults cause rage and indignation in a teenager.
Causes of problems in teenagers
It is impossible to understand when a difficult period will begin in a child. In addition, someone experiences it vividly and painfully, while someone does not cause trouble to others. The first signs can appear both at 11 and at 16 years. Sudden mood swings, changes in appearance, rudeness, aggression, theft, the desire to leave home and leave school are far from a complete list of what adults may encounter. From a calm, benevolent child, a teenager turns into an embittered and cruel person.
What causes such changes?
- The reason for this may be mistakes in raising a son or daughter. Excessive severity or permissiveness negatively affects a teenager. Parents are perceived as a kind of space limiters for a teenager. They create barriers to his adult life.
- In fact, problems arise due to changes in human hormones. There is a change in appearance, the voice changes, sexual characteristics appear. Subconscious fear and misunderstanding of how to live with these changes and cause a protest. Not always a teenager is satisfied with the reflection in the mirror. Big ears, the presence of acne, the appearance of hair on the body frightens and irritates him.
What to look for when raising a teenager
- The first experience of communication a person gets in the family. It is on the basis of family values that character and behavior are formed. Modern parents devote a lot of time to work, so children often feel unloved. The abundance of toys and gadgets takes up the child's free time, but does not replace human communication. In a family where events that happened to a son or daughter are regularly discussed, problems rarely arise.
- The influence of the street and the Internet helps a teenager create the wrong value system, where parents are far from being in a winning light. Forcibly climbing with advice is dangerous. This will further alienate the child, who will perceive the desire to help as an encroachment on privacy.
- Try to create comfortable conditions in the house. There will come a time when the child will remove posters from the walls or take off strange clothes. Friends will return to normal. Live it for granted, without ruining the relationship with the child.
- Try to be a friend. Do not extort, do not insist, but try to be there at a difficult moment.
- Don't compare teenagers to peers. It will only lower his self-esteem. The child should know that he is the most beloved and the best for you.
- Do not humiliate his new friends and do not enter into open conflict with them. Of course, within reason. It is urgent to get drug addicts out of the lair, but it’s not worth condemning the musical direction or hobbies without understanding. The same goes for first love. It doesn't matter whether you like the chosen one or not - let the teenager "fill the bumps" himself.
- Find time to socialize. Offer a joint activity that the child will like, invite his friends.
Recall that recently you also experienced a similar experience. Respect the individuality of the child, give the opportunity to decide for himself, remove the lock from the cage, and he will not want to upset you.
Difficult situations in teenagers happen often. Accept it, but you don't have to give up. There are solutions, and they are simple. Help your child get through this period with dignity.
Many parents clutch their heads when their children are 12-13 years old. Obedient and exemplary boys and girls become rude, impudent, often deny everything that was instilled in them at home. There are, of course, children who, even at a transitional age, only please their parents, but they are a minority. Pyotr Dmitrievsky, a psychologist at the Center for Social and Psychological Adaptation and Development of Adolescents "Crossroads" at the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University, told Pravmir about the most typical problems of modern times and the causes of their conflicts with parents before the start of the school year.
Problems of modern children
was born in 1975 in Leningrad. In 1999 he graduated from the Institute of Asian and African countries at Moscow State University. He worked as a translator from Japanese in the Karate Federation. Since 1999, on a voluntary basis, he has been running a teenage parish club at the Church of the Holy Unmercenaries Cosmas and Damian in Shubin (Moscow). In 2009 received a second higher education at the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University and at the Faculty of Gestalt Therapy with children and families of MGI. Since 2010, she has been working at the Crossroads Center for Social and Psychological Adaptation and Development of Adolescents at the Moscow State University of Psychology and Education.
— Piotr, what problems of their teenage children do parents most often complain about when they come to your center?
- The most common complaint is that he (she) "does not want anything." That is, it seems to parents that their child is not interested in anything important, too passive.
We are trying to figure out why the teenager has become less curious about the world. Sometimes, after one or several conversations, it turns out that curiosity remains, it’s just that what the teenager’s soul lies in does not fit into the parent’s value system.
Of course, the Internet has greatly changed the context of adolescent development, and many parents are concerned that the child spends too much time on the computer. We find out what exactly the teenager is looking for on the Internet, in computer games - sometimes the situation immediately softens and family members find a common language, and sometimes the problem turns out to be even more serious than the parents imagined. In these cases, long-term and painstaking work with the family is required.
For many in the younger generation, Internet communication almost completely replaces real life, the computer for such children becomes the only way to relieve tension, to cope with difficult experiences.
Another common problem that parents come to us with is the difficulty of their child in relationships with classmates. Moreover, this happens both in children who are shy, timid, and in impulsive, physically very strong children, who, because of their impulsiveness, find it difficult to regulate their behavior. These teenagers often admit in counseling that they can't keep themselves in line. Their behavior creates discomfort for both peers and teachers, but it also interferes with them.
We have special groups where for two months, moderated by two psychologists, the guys through a series of games and exercises learn to build relationships with their peers. In the first lessons, many are clamped down, afraid that if they share their experiences, others will reject them. But classes help them become more open, which is very important for communication with peers.
Participation in a group gives a teenager excellent opportunity learn to build trusting relationships, notice manipulations and deal with them, get rid of stereotypes about yourself and others, negotiate in a conflict situation.
Features of age psychology
- Isn't the teenager's tightness, his unsociableness connected with the loneliness that he feels in the family? After all, with the current rhythm of life, such inner loneliness is often in outwardly prosperous, wealthy families. Parents send their child to a good school, to clubs, circles, they don’t refuse him anything, but they get so tired at work that even on weekends they don’t find the strength to talk with him, they are not interested in his inner world.
- It happens and this, and I do not think that this is a sign of our time. Close relationships - both between spouses and between parents and children - have always required mental effort, and people instinctively tend to avoid tension. And the more effort it takes to communicate with another, the more often people have a desire to avoid this communication.
It just doesn’t happen with a teenager - he has an age crisis, a period of restructuring relationships with peers, with society, with himself, with parents, and as a human being one can understand parents who, faced with a change in their child, his rudeness, unpredictable behavior, feel powerless and retreat. And the workload seems to be a good reason - they are trying for him.
In fact, running away from problems often only exacerbates them. It is important for parents to find the strength for dialogue, given such a feature of age as the desire to acquire more independence. The desire is natural - at the age of 12-13-14, most people become more interested in communicating with their peers than with their parents. But while recognizing the adolescent's right to autonomy, to find his own way, his philosophy, his circle of acquaintances, it is important to remember that he, although he may not realize it himself, needs the support of his parents and in a collision with the boundaries built by his parents.
Growing up is impossible without such boundaries, so raising a teenager cannot be reduced to support and gentle words - it is equally important to agree with him what is possible and what is not, who has what responsibilities in the family. Explain that Cohabitation on one territory implies responsibility and the need to reach agreements. Here it is important for parents not to confuse stability and intelligibility with humiliation and cruelty.
- At the beginning of the year, everyone was shocked several times in a row. The parents of some of these teenagers did not even suspect that their children had serious problems.
- According to the observations of suicidologists known to me, there was no significant surge in suicides, it was just that the media covered such tragic cases more actively for several days. This is really risky, because teenagers tend to imitate.
I can’t say, but I fully admit that one of the teenagers would not have decided on the last fatal step if they had not heard about the suicide of another in the news. But whatever causes suicide, it never happens spontaneously. Any psychiatrist will tell you that time passes from suicidal thoughts to their implementation.
Therefore, if parents and teachers after the tragedy say that they did not notice anything, they, of course, feel sorry for them (especially the parents!), but certain efforts had to be made in order not to notice signs of a mental crisis in the child at all. In a family, this is sometimes difficult, and then it is important that adults at school can insure the teenager.
That is why, among other things, it is necessary to establish psychological services. So far, according to my observations, even in those schools where there are psychologists, they are inundated with diagnostic work. That is, they must conduct many tests to identify various features in the classroom and make recommendations to teachers - these are the requirements for them.
I think that some of these recommendations for working with a particular group can be useful and effective, but with this understanding of the work, the psychologist does not have time at all to individual work with a teenager, helping a particular student in overcoming difficulties. Moreover, teachers do not have time for this - curricula become more complicated, and the number of hours allotted for a subject often remains the same. Therefore, teachers are completely focused on the transfer of knowledge, and they do not have time to build relationships with teenagers in which life experiences can be shared and supported.
Naturally, I am not generalizing. There are teachers with a capital letter, who become for their students not just subjects, but also older friends, whose opinion is authoritative for teenagers, and psychologists who delve into the experiences of each student, helping him to find mutual understanding with teachers, parents.
But, of course, I would like to see more such specialists in the modern Russian school. Some educational institutions also turn to the support of external specialists. The Perekrestok Center actively cooperates with many schools, where our psychologists conduct both group classes and individual consultations.
—— Do children often have a desire to withdraw, alienation from adults begins with poor performance at school? I remember from my childhood that many teachers immediately put an end to those who did not do well in their subject. Sometimes parents stop believing in their child, and this inevitably leads to low self-esteem, complexes, which can take years to overcome.
You have touched on a very topical issue. In psychology, there is even a term “stigmatization”, which means giving a person a derogatory label, as a result of which he himself can believe in his worthlessness.
Of course, teenagers are especially sensitive to such labels. There are schools that practice an individual approach to each child, but there are still not so many of them. Some teachers do not have enough strength or competence to work with more complex children. And now, instead of figuring out why a child with a intact intellect does not show interest in learning, impotence teachers begin to tell the child how stupid, unlucky he is. They probably do this with the best of intentions - they hope to awaken creative activity in him through shame. This is a deliberately hopeless system of education, but despite its hopelessness, it is widespread in Russian schools.
Parents usually fall into one of two extremes in such situations. Either they unconditionally take the side of the teachers and begin to put pressure on the teenager with them, or, on the contrary, they say that the child is beautiful, and the school is to blame for everything. Both positions are not constructive, but perhaps the lesser of two evils is when parents protect a "good" child from "bad" teachers.
The support of adults is necessary for the child, therefore such support is better than none. Of course, it would be more adult-like to sit down and sort out the conflict in detail: what is the teacher's complaint, what is the teenager's dissatisfaction with? If the conversation goes in this vein, it will not be far to discover common goals and achieve clear agreements between the conflicting parties.
—And if there is no support, is it likely that the teenager will withdraw or even leave home?
In any case, a teenager needs a circle in which he is accepted and appreciated. If he does not find it in socially acceptable forms, he will look in virtual reality or in asocial groups. Some really get in touch with yard criminal companies, but today more often teenagers leave loneliness for virtual reality. Outwardly, it looks more safe - they do not sniff glue, do not steal car radios from cars, but for the psyche it is still a risk.
- But even before the advent of the Internet, there were children who preferred solitude to games with peers. Including many saints, for example,. It is clear that monasticism is a path for the few, and one cannot orient oneself towards it. ordinary child, but, for example, in the Soviet atheistic society, some children spent all their time reading books or math problems. And some of them have been realized in science. Of course, such children are also a minority, but they exist. Is it right to impose stereotypes on them? Are we breaking them like this?
- I fully admit that there are such children, and, of course, it is wrong to break them. In general, psychologists today are trying to move away from the cliche "norm-deviation". But in my practice, so far short, I have come across cases where a teenager has a need for communication, which he could not realize due to negative experience. That is, his isolation was not an organic choice, but the result of failures that gave rise to certain attitudes. Apparently, in the cases you are talking about, parents do not seek our help.
And yet I think that hanging on the Internet can be more harmful than hours of reading or fascination with the exact sciences. Naturally, one cannot agree with those who see only evil on the Internet. The Internet provides quick access to information, the opportunity to communicate regularly with peers from other cities and countries, to practice foreign language to expand knowledge in other subjects. But using the internet has its risks. It is too early to draw general conclusions - these risks are just beginning to be studied, but there are already some observations.
For example, it is safe to say that when the Internet becomes the main, if not the only means of communication, the user's ability to be in a relationship with real people. It is very difficult for teenagers who come to our groups (and most of them spend all their free time in networks) to understand the emotions of the interlocutor. They are well versed in the texts, but they cannot learn something new about a person by his look, intonation. Yes, and they hear badly - they are not used to a lively dialogue. In addition, it is difficult for them to keep their attention on one thing - after all, the Internet allows you to be in several windows at the same time: music, video, correspondence, forum. While multitasking they feel like a fish in the water, but it is not easy for them to focus on one task.
The Internet differs significantly from the book in this way. Reading a book is a useful pastime (of course, if the book is good), developing, hardly replaceable, but still monotonous, reduced to receiving and assimilating textual information. There are not so many people for whom this occupation can replace everything else. On the Internet, there are texts, and videos, and music, and pictures, and communication, and the opportunity for creativity. It turns out that many needs for information, communication, entertainment can be satisfied without leaving the monitor.
Therefore, there are much more children who hang out on the Internet than there are book children at home who do not seek to communicate. Most of these children have a need for communication, they just prefer virtual communication to real communication. As more research is carried out, we will better understand how to experience this next civilizational shift, comparable to the invention of printing or the use of fire, and what risks to the development of the psyche the spread of the Internet and computer games poses.
Overcoming the psychological crisis
—— Tradition psychological help in Russia is only developing. Maybe that's why some parents, faced with certain problems of the child, immediately take him to a psychiatrist?
Yes, such cases do happen. Parents feel their impotence in some moments of raising a teenager and a keen desire to overcome this moment of crisis as quickly as possible. The easiest way in this situation is to attract some external force. For some, this is a psychiatrist, for others, a cadet corps, but the logic is the same: instead of entering into a dialogue, use force in the form of a pill or a paramilitary structure (“They will make a man out of you!”).
I want to be understood correctly - I am not against the cadet corps. There are guys who like it. If a child has an interest in paramilitary games, a strict structure, clear tasks, a desire to be in a team, he will probably be interested in the cadet corps. But I am categorically against the cadet corps as a repressive measure of parents, when the interests and characteristics of the child are not taken into account at all. And such a solution to problems comes to the mind of parents, perhaps, no less than the idea of a visit to a psychiatrist. In desperation, the parents decide to "push" the teenager into a rigid hierarchical system - since he refuses to obey them, let him obey other people's uncles. In adolescence, it is very important to acquire the experience of partnerships, and such an educational measure does not contribute to this.
I have not yet encountered the consequences of such measures - in my memory and in my practice there were several cases when, as a result of conversations with me or my colleagues, parents abandoned the idea of sending their child for re-education to the cadet corps and found a solution to the problem in negotiations and clarification of mutual resentment.
—- And did you encounter the consequences of treatment by a psychiatrist when this was not necessary?
- It often happens that a child who, at the suggestion of parents, is observed by a psychiatrist and takes medication, drug treatment in this moment really necessary, but in combination with psychotherapeutic work. Such a combination is necessary not only for children, but also for adults, if we are not talking about severe mental pathology and the person’s intellect is preserved. Well, in Russian psychiatry, the emphasis is often on drug treatment.
But we, of course, do not question the appointment of a doctor. The last thing is to compete with a specialist in another field, it is much more important to fit into the situation that developed before the family came to us. Still, cases when a doctor mistakenly prescribes psychotropic drugs to a child are rare. It is simply better to start medication and psychotherapeutic help at the same time.
And by the way, if the parents first bring the child to us, it happens. We see that if a child needs not only our help, but also medical help, psychologists are taught this, and without refusing to work with the family, we recommend parents to show him to a psychiatrist. We have acquaintances of child psychiatrists, in whose sensitivity and qualifications we are confident. Therefore, it is more correct, in my opinion, not to drag the child immediately to a psychiatrist, but first to come with him to a psychologist. Except, of course, in cases where mental abnormalities are obvious. But this is a separate issue. The Perekrestok center works with teenagers who do not have severe pathologies.
- Many believers, including priests, said that at a transitional age, their children began to rebel, stopped going to church. Experienced confessors advise in such cases to accept this rebellion as a fait accompli, not to force the child to go to church, but to pray for him, hoping that with God's help he himself will return to church life after some time. And some do come back. But the majority of Orthodox parents are neophytes, and it is unusual for neophytes to listen to the advice of spiritually more experienced people, but they do want everything to be according to the rules, piously. I don’t know, however, whether people with such problems come to your center - after all, neophytes, to put it mildly, are very suspicious of psychology.
“Nevertheless, this problem is just familiar to me. You are right - in my memory no one came here with such problems, but since 1999 I have been in charge of the teenage parish club at the church of Cosmas and Damian in Shubin. And there I encountered such cases more than once.
We have already discussed with you that in adolescence, the child begins to assert himself, wants to be an adult, independent. And many during this period of self-affirmation reject the values that their parents instilled in them. Accordingly, the children of the believers Orthodox families begin to rebel against the Church and Christianity as the main value of their parents.
Like any situation that is difficult to control, the anti-church rebellion of children can lead parents into confusion and confusion. And here, too, there are attempts to solve the problem by attracting a rigid external structure, in this case, a religious-ascetic one. The initial goal of such a practice is to promote the spiritual growth of a person, to make his life richer, more interesting, freer, but parents who are zealous beyond reason can use it to “educate” a child who has gotten out of hand.
Humanly, the feelings of parents, the fear for their children, the desire to protect them from tragic mistakes are understandable. But without testing the world for strength and receiving feedback from this world, a child will not be able to become an adult, and mistakes are inevitable along the way. And parents always have a choice: either to provide support and watch how the child sometimes enjoys life, and sometimes receives negative feedback, experiencing pain from his mistakes, or trying to drive him into some kind of cage, where, most likely, there will be no mistakes, but creative growth is also impossible.
Despite the futility of the second option, many parents, out of fear for the future, prefer it. If we talk about the experience of anti-church rebellion by believing parents, then I remember cases when people tried to forcefully drag a child to confession, or send him to an Orthodox camp with strict discipline in the hope that there he would learn to regulate his command.
As a rule, this does not happen, the teenager still finds a way to bypass the restraining mechanisms, continues his own worldview searches, comprehends his relationship with God. If he does not find an opportunity for such reflection, then, it happens, he severely breaks off relations. Such teenagers either go into open conflict, or, worse, go into hidden opposition, when outwardly all the attributes are in place (handkerchiefs, a humble look, an unctuous voice), but at the first opportunity they go into even more "dressing" than their comrades, rioters openly. Any ignorance by adults of the needs of a teenager, including the need to build their own meanings, their own philosophy, leads to psychological problems.
About modern teenagers and their parents
- Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh said that people often draw up a project that another person must comply with. For example, parents know in advance what makes their children happy. Is it often the cause of generational conflicts and alienation of children that they do not match the parental script?
- It seems to me that any normal parent has some ideas and ideas about what should come out of his child. It is impossible to raise children without such ideas. It is impossible to demand from parents one hundred percent spontaneity and joy from any self-expression of the child. It's good that there are ideas - they set some kind of family traditions.
But we are all born with different abilities, inclinations, characteristics. nervous system, and often what happens to the child does not meet parental expectations. Now, if parents do not want to respond flexibly to this reality, difficulties arise, sometimes leading to serious conflicts.
It is better to immediately understand the reasons for such a discrepancy. It may not be only in the child - it would be good for parents to understand the motives for which they have developed precisely such ideas about education. After all, it is no secret that sometimes it is not love for a child that is primary, but the desire to prove something to mom or girlfriends.
And sometimes the problematic behavior of a teenager is a consequence, a reaction to the fact that a crisis occurs in the parental couple. So we must try to understand where the showdown with relatives and friends is, and where is the fate of the child, which, I hope, is more precious than all insults and competition. A visit to a family psychologist, a study of events taking place in the family, can help here.
Maybe not an entirely appropriate comparison, but I remembered how Kuklachev was asked why he was doing so well. And he replied that he always watches which cat has a predisposition to what, and he follows this, and does not torture the animal for the sake of his ideas. In my opinion, this principle is all the more suitable for educating a person. If parents are sensitive to the interests and abilities of the child, it is more likely that he will develop harmoniously.
The parents themselves were children, teenagers. Why do they often fail to understand that their children's problems are related to age? Have you forgotten about your childhood or has our information age created new problems?
Both factors play a role. Much of your childhood is really forgotten over the years. Quite often, a mother, complaining about a child, says that there was nothing like this in her childhood, and when we start talking with her, it turns out that she also had conflicts with her parents and got into risky situations. When mom remembers this, she is surprised at herself. Myths about one's past, of course, make it difficult to establish a dialogue with children, to understand their problems.
But the context has also changed. If 200 years ago people from generation to generation lived approximately the same way, in one way, now civilizational shifts occur during the life of one person. In this sense, parents and children literally live in different civilizations - on the same territory, but their ways of organizing life are very different. Nevertheless, there are things that unite people from different civilizations. For example, food or a trip to the sea. Things are quite mundane, but through them you can come to a joint deeper interests. Only in order for the meeting of generations to take place, both adults and adolescents require creative efforts. This is the challenge of the time.
Another feature of the current era is that the authoritarian parenting system may have been suitable for Soviet civilization, but if you raise a child this way today, it seems that it will be difficult for him in the modern world. Now, to be successful, you need to be able to respond flexibly to non-standard situations and have the skill of negotiation. And where to buy it, if not in the family?
Interviewed by Leonid Vinogradov
