Faced at a tender age with difficult situation and failing to resolve it, cope with it on their own or with the help of an adult, children can get a mental disorder that will make itself felt many years later in their lives. Such is the psychology of childhood trauma.

Childhood is that period of a person's life when his mental state is especially vulnerable and subject to outside influence. Children pass all significant events in their lives through themselves. If the child has a special sensitivity, then he is literally open to the influences of the outside world, both good and negative.

A small person is not yet able to protect his consciousness from everything unnecessary, harmful, dangerous. He is unable to control the flow of incoming information, to filter, to conduct its qualitative monitoring, determining what is positive and what is not, and what needs to be hidden from. If this bright event has, in addition to everything, a sharp negative connotation, then surely its echo will forever be imprinted in the subconscious of a maturing person.

Childhood psychological trauma

Children's psychological trauma is the result of intense stress, excessive for the possibility of the protective mechanisms of the child's psyche, which manifested itself under certain circumstances in their adulthood.

When injured, the child loses the sense of comfort and security that should surround him. They are replaced by a feeling of fear, powerlessness, helplessness before the uncertainty and changeability of the outside world: what yesterday provided peace, confidence, today brings pain and suffering. Those children who are in a stressful situation often are at risk, they are most susceptible to negative influence outside world.

The traumatic experience does not have to be physical. Its main criteria are the strength and intensity that evoke an emotional response in a person. The more intense the negative impact of the event, the higher the possibility of injury.

But not every unpleasant situation can be detrimental to mental health. To do this, it must be significant, important for the child. The negative impact of the situation (circumstances, people), reinforced by weight and significance, is a threat. Their frequent repetitions are capable of healthy child in the future to make a neurotically ill adult.

Sources of child psychological trauma

The reasons that are potential sources of psychological childhood trauma include:

• Separation from one of the parents, caused, for example, by divorce. Adults can also manipulate each other, using the child as a tool for revenge and control. In this case, the child must unwittingly take the side of one of the parents, which obliges him to “separate” from the other.
• Dangerous habitat. The danger is not necessarily physical, tangible. These can be constant conflicts at home, in a team where the child spends a lot of time: moral pressure, pressure, latent conflicts, an oppressive heavy atmosphere.
• Serious illness, death of a close family member or friend. The loss of a loved one can provoke the emergence of uncertainty about the permanence, security of the outside world.
• Lack of attention from parents. Every child should feel their unconditional love and feel their need for the people closest to him. Until he understands the words that adults use to express love, the main indicators of their affection for him will be actions, attention, care. The kid, entrusted to himself, grows outcast and alienated. He has a feeling of uselessness, worthlessness.
• Directives. Sometimes parents lay the "script" for the entire subsequent life of the child with their personal attitudes, with which they have not been able to cope, to overcome their harmful influence. Parental directives embedded in the psyche of the child cause negative consequences. They influence the formation of numerous complexes, self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to communicate with people in adulthood.

Symptoms and manifestation of trauma

Any outbursts of traumatic experiences are normal and natural, so there is no need to reproach yourself for showing feelings towards them. The reaction to a negative event that caused damage to the psyche is expected. This is a common response to unusual circumstances.

What are the symptoms of childhood trauma?

Psychological signs:

• Shock, despondency, apathy, joylessness, depression. This state should last for a long time without seemingly obvious reasons.
• Unreasonable mood swings, from cheerfulness to rage and irritation.
• Feelings of guilt, shame. Blaming yourself, looking for reasons in yourself that led to negative consequences.
• Feelings of anxiety, fear. A fear of the insignificant develops, psychological phobias - the fear of darkness, silence, loud sounds, strange strangers, large crowds, loneliness.
• Feeling of abandonment, uselessness, inferiority.

Physiological symptoms:

• Night terrors, nightmares, insomnia.
• Increased heart rate, tachycardia.
• The appearance of chronic pain, sometimes for no reason.
• Fatigue, constant fatigue, impotence.
• Violation of attention and memory.
• Muscle clamps, tension.

Self-help practice: how to deal with childhood psychological trauma

1. Avoid prolonged isolation. After any traumatic experience, a person may want to be alone for a while. But excessive isolation, avoidance of communication, prolonged restriction of contacts leads to falling out of society. Any social activity is useful.

It may seem that relatives are not able to help solve the problem, and you do not want to impose your troubles and experiences on them. But having said what worries you the most, it will surely become a little easier. If it is scary and unpleasant to talk about an exciting problem with a loved one, acquaintance, friend, try to trust an outsider. Even if it seems that the listener is unable to understand. What is important here is not the opportunity to get advice, consultation, but to speak out, to throw out experiences.

1. Continue living your normal life. Monotonous affairs, ordinary tasks will help you get back on track. You can do any volunteer activity, help those in need and those who have experienced similar consequences of psychological trauma. Moreover, understanding one's own importance, the need for others, helps to cope with strong traumatic experiences.
2. Show feelings. If there is a desire to cry, grieve, look for sympathy - feel free to do it. This is all natural for a painful situation. The opportunity to express your emotions will help you get on the path to recovery. This can be done in different ways: directly or indirectly through sports, art therapy (theater, drawing, modeling, etc.).
3. Keep track of your health. No wonder there is a saying about the connection of a healthy body and spirit. The body can respond to stress with psychosomatic illnesses. The state of the body and the soul are two inextricably linked interdependent elements. Therefore, it is important to monitor your own health: proper nutrition, proper sleep, at least minimal physical exercise, rejection of bad habits.
4. Try to avoid anxiety and stress. If it is completely impossible to get rid of stress factors, you should try to resort to relaxation exercises, breathing practices, and meditation.

When you need a specialist

After a child's psychological trauma, the rehabilitation process can be long and difficult. And sometimes the traumatic consequences are forgotten relatively quickly, and an adult remembers them only occasionally through vague echoes, for example, in the form of dreams. This is due both to the degree, the depth of the situation itself, which caused the injury, and to the personality of the person.

The personal “pain” threshold of a person also has an influence: sometimes what will not be acceptable for one, the other simply will not pay attention. After all, more anxious, suggestible people, choleric and melancholic, react stronger and more painfully to events in their lives than, for example, phlegmatic, sanguine people (read more about temperaments).

However, if this period is prolonged, it becomes too painful, you can contact a specialist or work it out on your own. Criteria by which one can judge the need for intervention:

• Personal life is not going well, things are not going well at work, at home, in communication with friends, relatives, colleagues.
• Persistent feeling of fear of intimacy. It is hard to open the soul, to be sincere, honest. There is a constant fear that the one who is nearby will not live up to expectations, will definitely disappoint, break the heart.
• A person closes on his traumatic experiences, mentally returns to that experience again and again. Carefully considers, experiences memories of the event that caused the psychological trauma.
• Somatic disorders may appear: problems with digestion, breathing, sleep, allergic dermatitis. These symptoms develop for no apparent reason, being the body's response to trauma received in childhood.
• A person begins to use alcohol, drugs to escape reality, uses other types of chemical and behavioral addiction.

Unfortunately, in most cases, the impact of childhood psychological trauma is of a prolonged nature. A "recovery" is not easy and very painful. But after a certain period, a person “recovers”. Protective, compensatory mechanisms of the psyche rehabilitate, bring him back to life, and he is back in the ranks. And a competent specialist or a skillful independent approach will help to reduce this time and use it as productively as possible.

25.10.2016

Snezhana Ivanova

Childhood psychological trauma is one of those phenomena that are difficult to correct, it takes a lot of time and patience to overcome it.

It is one of those phenomena that are difficult to correct. It takes a lot of time and patience to fully overcome them. The child's psyche is arranged in such a way that any impressions that have caused a strong emotional response are retained in it for a long time. Children's experiences, as a rule, are not realized by us, since not all children remember what happened to them at the age of three or four. Meanwhile, childhood events can have a significant impact on the formation of worldview, character, various fears and doubts. Modern psychologists say that almost every person at an early age experienced negative events that left a serious imprint on consciousness.

Causes of child psychological trauma

Every phenomenon has its causes. Psychological trauma is often formed under the influence of a number of circumstances and events that have a devastating effect on the child's psyche. To overcome the pronounced manifestations of trauma, you need to understand the events that cause it. Very often, the attentive attitude of an adult to a child will help prevent the development of a child's psychological trauma. It is dangerous not so much in itself, but because of its destructive effect on the inner world of a small person.

Death of a loved one

If a child loses one of their parents in early childhood or adolescence, this will definitely affect his mental health. Such a child will suffer from anxiety, feel that the world represents an imminent danger for him. The death of a loved one in childhood is perceived as the greatest catastrophe, a tragedy from which there is no deliverance. The child may for a long time believe that the parent deliberately left him, even be offended by the untimely departure. A child who has suffered the death of a close relative feels very alone in the world, unprotected by anything, unable to withstand the harsh circumstances of fate.

Illness in childhood

When a child becomes seriously ill in childhood, he learns to perceive himself as a weak and weak-willed being. He, becoming an adult, will continue to listen to his body with distrust, trying to find significant signs of ill health. Meanwhile, the prospects and possibilities of such a person will, of course, pass by. Most likely, even at a conscious age he will be surrounded by ailments. Often, as a result of a serious illness in childhood, a person develops a general fear of any manifestations of ill health. This is how a dependent, overly anxious person is formed, who is not able to take responsibility for everything that happens to her.

Psychological or physical abuse

Unfortunately, children's impressions can be not only rosy and beautiful. If any violence was committed against a child, then this will make him subsequently treat life more wary and distrustful. Violence of the physical plane makes you learn to fight, develop anger and aggressiveness in yourself. Soft by nature, the child will experience significant difficulties, will cease to treat others with respect. He will focus all his attention on his internal state, he will try to avoid another reprisal.

Psychological violence is dangerous because it encourages a person to constantly look for possible dangers and avoid them. As a result, a person loses faith in himself, his abilities, does not believe in a happy future. If a child from childhood gets used to hearing ridicule and caustic remarks of others, then he begins to treat himself badly, consider himself a loser. Such a person is unlikely to dare to decide to change any situation that does not suit him. Insults cause irreparable damage to the child's psyche: the child becomes anxious, suspicious, withdraws into himself.

adult betrayal

Often children become witnesses of an unfair attitude of an adult towards them. Divorce of parents is the most common reason for the formation. The child perceives the departure from the family of one parent (usually the father) as a betrayal. Subsequently, it will be very difficult for him to build honest trusting relationships with peers. The betrayal of an adult seems to show him that you can’t trust anyone, because even the closest people can deceive. The departure of a close relative from the family is perceived only as a disaster, upsets the whole favorable picture of the baby's world.

Lack of parental attention

Not all children fully experience parental care and attention. There are also such children who are not loved, do not show significant participation in them. We are not talking about orphans living in orphanages. Lack of parental attention can also be present in outwardly prosperous families. The child is left to himself and is extremely dissatisfied with the fact that he is not shown participation. All children, regardless of age, want to feel needed and loved.

school bullying

Unfortunately, some children experience severe manifestations of bullying. School bullying is dangerous because it undermines the child's self-confidence, makes him become aggressive and restless. Bullying and ridicule by peers cause great damage to the child's psyche. The child often does not understand why he is treated this way, cannot adequately respond to offenders. He learns to hide his desires and dreams deep in his soul, does not show his true feelings to anyone, does not look for opportunities for growth and development.

Consequences of childhood psychological trauma

The presence of psychological trauma always leads to consequences, has a detrimental effect on all subsequent life. A small person, becoming an adult, will carry in his mind the traumatic events of the past. It is this experience that often does not allow a person to develop, to live fully. What are the consequences of psychological trauma?

Constant fears

The child's psyche very quickly begins to react to manifestations of cruelty, violence or inattention. First of all, the baby begins to worry about fears. Painful thoughts do not leave him for long, returning at every opportunity. The child doubts everything, double-checks every step, instead of just living and enjoying the manifestations of life. He gradually becomes a hostage to his own fears, which control his condition. With the help of fears, the psyche protects itself from the intrusion of new negative information, protects consciousness from traumatic experiences.

Panic attacks and disorders

Panic attacks are always the result of overload and exhaustion of the nervous system. Our consciousness, like a powerful computer, needs additional preventive care. Otherwise, it will constantly “hang” at the most traumatic moments of life, again and again reproducing the most painful details of what happened. When a person accumulates too many anxieties and disappointments, the defense system tries to protect him from final exhaustion. The same is true for small children. Any disorders, whether it be tearfulness or tantrums, appear when other possibilities to correct the situation have been exhausted.

Lack of self-esteem

This is the first thing that a suspicious and anxious person begins to feel. Self-doubt is the most common consequence of experiencing trauma. A person really begins to feel with all the forces of his soul his imaginary inferiority and insolvency. Such a person is afraid to try something new, fearing additional disappointments. Self-doubt manifests itself through the avoidance of some situations that can cause discomfort. Any unfamiliar event causes fear and panic before the unknown.

Most often, no persuasion and active actions can make an anxious child do what is necessary. If you show excessive hardness, he will become even more closed and will perceive the surrounding reality as something inevitable and irreparable.

Distrust of people and life

The most global consequence of trauma in childhood is a general distrust of people and events. From an early age, a person’s subconscious mind deposits the belief that the world is unfair and dangerous, which is why he perceives all the actions of others only in a negative way. Distrust deprives a person of new discoveries, the joy of contact with the world of people. He will first consider any event from the point of view of security, and only then make responsible decisions. Closeness, aggressiveness, jealousy, irascibility - these are the main symptoms of distrust of others formed in childhood.

Thus, psychological trauma, in any case, has serious consequences. This shock needs a long correction. It is easier to prevent it than to try to correct the consequences later. Children's grievances and shocks leave an indelible mark on the soul and it is quite difficult to eradicate it.

Alexandra Menshikova

Clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences, member of the American Psychological Association

Anfisa Belova

Psychologist, psychoanalyst

Dorothy Berman

Psychiatrist, psychotherapist at the clinic "Transfiguration"

Ekaterina Vasilevskaya

Psychotherapist

Natalia Feoktistova

Psychoanalyst, candidate of psychological sciences

Psychotrauma is the experience of severe stress or violence committed against a person. It can disrupt the organization of the psyche and lead to psychosomatic illnesses. The latter can be difficult to recognize without the participation of a psychiatrist, because they manifest themselves at the physiological level. Children are most often the victims of physical or psychological abuse because they depend on adults and are unable to protect themselves.

It is also in childhood that psychological traumas occur - and they are usually associated with domestic violence. Psychotherapist Ekaterina Vasilevskaya says that 90% of her clients have problems because of childhood trauma. “The ones that are the hardest to correct are the ones that involve child neglect,” she adds.

Studies that abused children suffer from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in the future. - Note. ed.) and suicidal tendencies, and the effects of emotional abuse are equal to the effects of physical and sexual abuse or even exceed it.

The fact that childhood trauma affects the physical health of a person in adulthood is also . Psychiatrist Dorothy Berman says that the effects of trauma can reach the physiological level: "These are psychosomatic diseases such as neurodermatitis, angina pectoris, myocardial infarction or peptic ulcer of the gastrointestinal tract." According to Berman, such consequences appear due to the fact that the trauma is not lived through, the gestalt is not completed, and emotions continue to put pressure on the person.

Psychotherapist Alexandra Menshikova believes that psychotrauma affects the brain, as a result of which people lose the ability to adapt to stress and get an increased level of anxiety and depression.

People with psychotrauma throughout their lives experience a process of retraumatization, constantly returning to the same event.

Menshikova gives the following example: if a child was beaten by parents in childhood, then in the future he can build a family where physical violence will also be used against him. In addition, trauma does not happen alone: ​​if there was physical abuse, it means that along with it and emotional.

Experts that recurring violence is much harder to endure than isolated cases. “There is no family with ideal parents. There is always a lack of some resources that a child needs, so traumatic events happen in everyone's life, ”Berman believes.

Below we provide a list of typical psychotraumas that are most often experienced in childhood. Experts insist: if you recognize yourself in these situations and feel that traumatic events are still affecting you, seek professional help.

6 typical childhood traumas

"You're nothing but trouble"

Insults, depreciation

What it looks like:“Parents can openly devalue a child: insult, call names, call them worthless,” says psychoanalyst Anfisa Belova. - The same can be done in a passive-aggressive way: through sarcasm and supposedly joking nicknames. Adults can justify their behavior by saying that in this way they are trying to motivate their children for some kind of achievement. Belova describes a typical example of depreciation as follows: a child brings parents to show his drawing, and instead of praise and approval, he hears that his hands are growing from the wrong place and that he is an artist from the word “bad”, and indeed it would be better if he did something useful.

Alexandra Menshikova adds that yelling is also a form of devaluation: for example, when a father is in trouble at work and takes it out on a child to discharge himself. Another variant of such trauma is when a child is set high standards, for example, in studies, and he gets fours, and he is repeated that he is nobody and nothing.

What does it lead to: Berman and Belova say that in such a situation, a neurotic personality formation occurs, which can develop into an excellent student syndrome or perfectionism - a painful desire to be the best in everything, when a person secretly hopes to still earn the love and recognition of parents. Also, depreciation in the family can lead to self-doubt, fear of defeat and passivity. The connection with oneself is lost: a person does not know how to calm himself, cannot understand what will give him self-confidence. According to Belova, the child develops an attitude that any of his business is doomed to failure and that he can only meet criticism from other people, so it will be safer to refuse to take active steps and remain in the shadows. “When a person cannot find joy inside, he looks for it from the outside - this can result, for example, in the desire for consumerism, shopaholism,” says Berman.

How to handle: Belova believes that depreciation is almost impossible to survive on your own, therefore, in order to deeply study the problem, you need the support of a specialist who will help you move in the right direction. In the process of psychoanalysis, trauma is recognized and re-lived: a person learns to re-build relationships with the world and other people.

"Let's do it later"

neglect

What it looks like: Instead of communicating with the child, parents work all the time to provide for him. Anfisa Belova calls this a “substitution of concepts”, when love for a child means only keeping him in comfortable conditions. “Outwardly, such a family may look quite safe: the child is well-fed and dressed, he has good toys, he goes to various developmental activities, but at the same time they do not bring him happiness,” she adds.

Alexandra Menshikova says that in such a situation, if a child tries to talk about his problems, he is answered: “Can't you see? We are tired! Leave me alone! No one listens to the child, he feels rejected.

What does it lead to:“There is a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and distrust,” says psychotherapist Ekaterina Vasilevskaya. - These feelings remain with the person in later life. He may enter into a relationship, but the childish feeling of abandonment will not go anywhere.” Menshikova adds that such a person will not be in contact with his emotional needs, will not be able to recognize his boundaries - this means that it will be easier for him to agree to conditions that are uncomfortable for him. In the future, he can choose partners for himself who will also reject and ignore his feelings.

Psychoanalyst Belova warns that the lack of attention and communication at home can lead to the fact that the child will begin to look for him in another place, where he feels that he is needed and appreciated. Often, children who do not receive warmth in the family enter into romantic and sexual relationships early. To cope with loneliness, some resort to the help of alcohol or drugs. They may use defiant or antisocial behavior to win the love and attention of their parents.

How to handle: Vasilevskaya and Belova say that the feeling of security and care that was not received in childhood should be compensated for in the future. Building your own harmonious relationships can help you deal with this trauma. Other relatives (grandparents) can also compensate for the lack of parental love. If such a relationship does not exist, a psychotherapist can create a safe environment in which a person can receive the missing care.

"Together for the Child"

Unfavorable family environment

What it looks like:“This happens in families where people are unhappy with each other, but continue to live together for the sake of the child, when there is no communication between parents and there is outright hatred,” says psychotherapist Menshikova. “The child notices this suffering and receives a signal that the source of evil is himself.” Anfisa Belova says that in such families, parents sacrifice their lives for the sake of the imaginary well-being of the child. But even if they try not to show their attitude towards each other openly, the tension is still in the air, expressed in small things. And the child, of course, feels it all. Even worse, if the parents constantly swear in front of the child or force him to take sides.

What does it lead to:“A child learns something from the example of his parents, and if he does not see love and communication between mom and dad, then he himself does not learn to love and express his feelings,” says Ekaterina Vasilevskaya. - Such a person will be emotionally closed and cold, will live with the feeling that he is a problem for other people. Such an attitude contributes to the emergence of suicidal thoughts and inclinations.

Anfisa Belova believes that as a result of such an experience, a person is often haunted by a strong sense of guilt. He may blame himself for ruining the life of his parents, believing that without him their life would be better. A dysfunctional family environment can lead to various neurotic disorders, depression, problems in building interpersonal relationships, unwillingness and fear to start their own family.

How to handle:“Understand that life together is the choice of parents and the child is not responsible for it,” advises Belova. Psychotherapist Vasilevskaya claims that the problem can be dealt with if you can build warm, trusting relationships with other people. It can be relatives, friends, teachers, mentors, a loved one and all those people with whom a person gets the experience of acceptance, support and care. This person can be a psychologist or psychotherapist.

"Mom's Gold"

Overprotection

What it looks like:“From the outside, overprotection can look like a strong love of parents for a child and concern for his safety and well-being,” says Belova. “But behind this concern lies an unwillingness to let go of the child from oneself and see him as a person, the desire to realize one’s own ambitions through the child, fears and even aggression.” Belova and Berman argue that overprotection is the result of increased parental anxiety.

Ekaterina Vasilevskaya says that in a situation of overprotection, the child does not participate in making family decisions, everything is decided for him: which circles to go to, which university to enter. Important family events, such as funerals and divorce, are hidden from the child. “For a child, the truth that he learns after a while will be a much more traumatic experience,” says psychoanalyst Natalia Feoktistova. - If children are not taken to the funeral of a loved one, they will not have the opportunity to experience a completely natural process of loss. Most recently, I observed a conflict between five-year-old girls and older girls on the playground. One of the grandmothers ran to save her granddaughter from the paws of scary adult girls, thereby forming her position as a victim. It is necessary to give the child the opportunity to cope with this situation on his own or to suggest how to be, but not to resolve the conflict for him.

What does it lead to: Vasilevskaya and Belova say that in an overprotective family, a child often does not learn to hear himself, his feelings and desires, because his parents decide everything for him. He does not know what he wants and cannot separate his desires from his parental attitudes. He seems to be unable to rely on himself.

Feoktistova believes that due to overprotection, a person grows dependent. He will always be guided by the opinions of other people. “A grown-up child will either start to rebel in order to defend his right to be a separate person, or capitulate and go with the flow,” says Anfisa Belova. “In the second case, it can lead to depression, apathy, psychosomatic illnesses.”

How to handle: Ekaterina Vasilevskaya advises learning to understand your desires, determine what is important and what is secondary, set goals and make decisions. Psychoanalyst Anfisa Belova says that in this case, you need to physically and emotionally separate from your parents: sometimes it’s enough to start living separately and start providing for yourself.

"For Prevention"

Physical violence

What it looks like: Menshikova and Belova say that violence is a blurry category in our culture. Many people think that hitting children is normal - they say, this way they will learn their lesson better. In Russian society, physical violence is still understood only as a beating of a child to injuries and bruises, although in fact any encroachment on his personal boundaries (a slap on the back of the head, a slap on the pope or a beating with a belt) is also violence. The only thing a child learns in such a situation is to fear and hate the punisher.

Menshikova and Feoktistova say that if the only contact of parents with a child occurs only when they beat him, he develops a connection that beating is better than indifference. “Often parents complain that their children do something bad on purpose. Perhaps this is the situation when the child calls you to contact, because this is the only way to get attention, ”adds Menshikova.

Feoktistova believes that it is not the systematic beating that causes more harm to the psychological state of the child, but the unpredictable reaction of the parents. When a child is beaten for the same offense, and after a while the same situation is not given any importance. In this case, the child does not know what to expect, he cannot adapt and understand how to act. “In a so-called prosperous family, a child can be punished with a belt for bad grades, considering it just a method of education, and in a family where parents, for example, suffer from alcohol addiction, a child can be abused just for what he is,” Belova concludes. .

What does it lead to: Menshikova and Belova say that the child may lose contact with the body: it will be difficult to relax due to the high level of anxiety and constant internal tension.

Most often, if there is physical abuse at home, this experience continues at school: they beat him or him. Physical abuse in the family can crush the personality of the child, putting him forever in the position of the victim. There are many children who cannot stand up for themselves because they have a subordinate position at home. Unable to rebuff the parent, the child may begin to take out on those who are younger and weaker (including animals), and later, when he becomes an adult, he will behave in the same way towards his children.

How to handle: Psychoanalyst Belova and psychotherapist Vasilevskaya say that in some cases a person can cope with the consequences of physical violence in the family on their own: through awareness of the reasons for such behavior of parents and work on oneself. But, as with other childhood traumas, the help of a specialist is often needed here to help rethink this difficult experience.

"This will be our secret"

sexual abuse

What it looks like: Psychotherapist Menshikova says that children and adolescents are poorly aware of the boundaries of their body, because often no one explains to them. Because of this, they may be sexually abused and trapped. One in four girls and one in six boys experience this before the age of 18. Sexual abuse is not only penetration, but also any violation of the boundaries of the body, such as stroking.

“For an adult, this can be presented as a“ game ”, as something harmless, while a child, due to his age, is not always fully aware of what is happening, does not know how to react to it, is afraid to say no,” says Belova. Menshikova and Belova assure that most often children experience sexual violence from loved ones. “Everything happens behind closed doors, when all family members know and are silent,” says Alexandra Menshikova. - A popular story when a daughter is a retribution for the mother's happiness: a mother pretends that her daughter is not being raped because she is afraid that a man will leave her. Girls suffer the most from sexual violence. As for boys, many of them do not perceive early sexual experience as violence, it seems to them that having sex before the age of 14 with an adult aunt is supposedly cool.

What does it lead to: Experts Belova and Menshikova say that people who have experienced sexual violence have a rather negative attitude towards themselves and their bodies. They are haunted by a sense of shame, they consider themselves dirty and unworthy of love. For those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, it can be difficult to build healthy and harmonious relationships as adults.

The consequences of sexual violence can also be neurotic disorders, fears, phobias, depression. According to, the most common consequence of sexual violence is post-traumatic stress. Defiance, low self-esteem, hypersexuality, and substance abuse are also common among victims of sexual abuse.

How to handle:“It is very difficult to cope with the consequences of sexual violence on your own. To work through this trauma, individual or group work with a psychologist or psychotherapist is necessary,” says psychoanalyst Belova. Psychotherapist Vasilevskaya also believes that it is necessary to go through the experience of sexual violence with the support of a specialist who will help form a healthy attitude towards yourself and your body.

» Notes on working with children

© Olga Malaya

Childhood psychological trauma (in children and adults)

Working with psychological trauma with children is the most painstaking and time-consuming. It is based on tenderness and care, trust and acceptance, recognition and support. In this work, I do not use frustration and my interventions are very balanced and deliberate. I choose my words carefully and control my facial expressions and movements. The proverb “Measure seven times, cut once” describes my work well.

Children with psychological trauma are very vulnerable and sensitive. They are very easy to hurt. The psyche and thinking may not have grown up yet to be aware of what happened to the child. Emotions are there and they are strong. And the child needs help to adapt to the new reality. In addition, it is also full-fledged work with adults who surround the child, how to create favorable conditions for the child, how adults adapt to this new life next to a child who has fallen into a traumatic situation.

Today, in times of change, wars, crises, prolonged stress, the human psyche is highly susceptible to psychological trauma. A person's security and identity are violated, fear, pain, impotence and helplessness appear, interest in life disappears. In order to overcome and heal from psychological trauma, the psyche needs external help for high-quality adaptation.

At the moment of a stressful event, the human brain remembers all the details related to this event. In a stressful traumatic situation, a person's memory is not organized. And it is not easy for her to collect the details of the event in one picture. Memories appear in parts, delivering painful experiences to a person. A traumatic event blocks the processes of self-regulation of the psyche: images, sounds, smells or bodily sensations associated with a painful experience. They seem to “get stuck” in it, so that a person experiences horror, pain, fear, despair and helplessness again and again.

Trauma is an unexpected, rough, deep violence, by intrusion and damage to the integrity of a person. Physical, psychological.

Violence is the intentional infliction of severe pain and threat to vital needs. There is no way to fight and defend. Man, as such, is absent, there are unforeseen losses. The psyche has no opportunity to use internal or external resources.

Crisis - the psyche did not have enough resources to overcome the situation.

What to look for:

1. Physical and psychological trauma at the same time. The physical pain can be very severe and unbearable. Then it displaces other sensations and emotions. It seems to the child that he is a continuous pain and death is better than life. You need to help him divide the pain into:

• The most severe pain in a specific place of the body, describe it in detail (adjectives), give it a name (noun), determine its intensity on a 10-point scale, what action it looks like (verb), how and when it changes, what reduces it, what teaches what pleasure is not available, what emotions it causes. What it feels like, how it smells, what it says, what it looks like, what it tastes like.
• Determine where else there is pain, what it is (description scheme above).
• Determine where in the body it is pleasant and healthy, what these places are (description diagram above).
• How the body rejoices and why.
• What does the body want to do now to enjoy.

2. What the child will not talk about is what can happen to him, just remember this and try to clarify, through observation, behavior, conversation with adults and the child:

• Emotions: pain, despair, grief, impotence, helplessness, rage, fear, despair.
• What was lost during the traumatic situation.
• What is disturbed in the child: physical condition, emotional state, attachment, basic trust in the world, trust in adults, psychological security, psychological boundaries, identity, how fear works (what kind of reaction to danger, how it takes care of itself).
• Basic needs: sleep, food, security, need, love - how are they met

3. There may be multiple traumas (physical and psychological): identify and separate them, work with each separately.

4. Mechanism of attachment to significant people, at what level is not formed or violated:

1. Sensation - there is bodily contact
2. Similarity - feels its dissimilarity, peculiarity
3. Belonging and loyalty - feels like part of the family
4. Significance - cherishes those to whom he is attached, understands that he is dear to his family (a sense of one's own "I" is formed, a sense of one's own separateness and autonomy)
5. Emotional intimacy - knows how to love, care for others and accept it
6. Psychological intimacy - the feeling of being known

5. The mechanism of adaptation to a new reality. Where is the here and now. Each time can be different, phases and stages can be repeated, the order can be chaotic. This is a basic scheme, for example, as it can be.

Stage 1. Violation of stability.

1. A torpor phase that usually lasts from a few hours to a week and can be interrupted by outbursts of extremely intense suffering and/or anger.
2. The phase of acute longing and the search for the lost figure, lasting several months and often years.
3. Phase of disorganization and despair. Grief work.

Stages of living loss, loss

1. Negation
2. Aggression
3. Depression
4. Adoption

4. A phase of greater or lesser degree of reorganization.

Stage 2. Destruction of the old picture of the world.

Stage 3. Formation of a new picture of the world.

Stage 4. Integration.

Stage 5. Reorganization.

Possible jam at stage 2. Stagnation - gradual deterioration - decline in emotional and mental state - regression - PTSD:

1. Option: birth - development - interest - resources - living loss - adaptation
2. Death

6. How the environment of the child has changed, how his life has changed

7. Resources

• Feeling - the ability to recognize feelings and give them a name, express them in a comfortable format for yourself and others
• Mind - the ability to think, evaluate, analyze, plan, make a decision
• Activity - perception of the world, with the help of sensations, the ability to notice pain and pleasure, tension and relaxation
• Society - the ability to communicate with others
• Imagination game - creativity: dreams, fantasies, intuitions
• Faith is the ability to believe in something or someone.

8. What are the prospects and opportunities. What did you learn.

The scheme of my work with children from 1.4 to 18:

1. For myself, I share psychological trauma in children:

• occurred more than 3 months ago - the psyche found resources and in the process of natural self-regulation and adaptation / did not find it;
• occurred from 1 week to 3 months - the process of natural self-regulation has not yet started, resources have not been found, the child is in a stressful state / is running;
• continues to be in a traumatic situation for him for a long time (psychological or physical violence in the family) - the psyche has found protection, adapted to the situation;

2. What happened to the child, I ask a significant adult in detail. Here is an important point - who saved the child, he saved himself, no one saved.

3. I determine what is now with the body of the child:

• Spinning, as if dancing a very rhythmic and fast dance. It looks like a person crawls out from under someone, wriggles strongly and pushes off with his feet, trying to escape.
• Mechanical, lifeless movements, glassy eyes, a lot of strength.
• Reminds the state of a child in a crisis of three years, very demonstrative.
• Growls like a wounded and hunted animal, with pain and anger.
• A lifeless body and an extinct look.
• The body is tense, as if on hinges.

• Hug, kiss, say warm words that love.
• Say what is near, what will protect.
• Do not judge or compare. What I don’t like to say specifically is, “You just hurt a cat and I don’t like it. I love you".
• Talk about rules and negotiate.
• Play children's games.
• Ask for help.
• Together to make food from dough for everyone (dumplings, pies)
• Do not scold for growling and whims.

Each new stage of development and thinking will allow you to understand trauma in a new way, and adult help is needed to overcome this. Full-fledged therapeutic work with psychological trauma is possible at the age of 16-18. Before that, it is possible to work with identity, resources, strengthening self-confidence, internal and external support. Teaching internal discipline and self-stabilization of the emotional state. Recovery and rehabilitation of those violated at the time of the traumatic event: security, boundaries, identity, attachment.

When working with childhood psychological trauma in adults, remember that the trauma occurred at a certain age stage of development, and it remained conscious or repressed at that particular age. It is necessary to strengthen and grow the psyche, passing through each stage of development. Approaches the scheme of work with children.

The opportunity to write these lines came to me thanks to my clients who turned to me for advice. Thanks to my colleagues who shared their experience, gave me quality supervision, my therapist for individual therapy, masters of psychology for their books. Special thanks to my family and friends, friends for their support, warmth, love, care.

Psychologist, Gestalt therapist Malaya Olga Alexandrovna

© O.A. Malaya, 2016,
© Published with the kind permission of the author Psychological trauma is a reactive mental formation (reaction to significant events for a given person), which causes long-term emotional experiences and has a long-term psychological impact. Any significant event for a person can become the cause of injury: deceit, betrayal, disappointment, injustice, violence, the death of a loved one, experiencing loss, any crisis, illness. All of these events may not be traumatic if the person has integrated them into their worldview.
* Does the person know about their wounds? Not always, knowing your wounds is the path to healing. Negative experiences or non-constructive behaviors that cause a visit to a psychologist are usually not associated with trauma, especially if it happened a long time ago. And the most unconscious, deeply seated, and therefore especially strongly and imperceptibly affecting a person’s life, psychological traumas are childhood psychological traumas. Any violation of family relationships does not pass without a trace for anyone, but for the child this factor becomes decisive.
* The impact of children's experiences with parents is undeniable. The features of the family structure characteristic of a particular culture are transmitted, as it were, by inheritance. The study of methods typical for a given culture of raising children, which influenced the formation of a national character, was carried out in the theories of neo-Freudianism. So, according to K. Horney, when a child encounters a “hostile world”, anxiety arises, which intensifies with a lack of parental love and attention; G.S. Sullivan sees the basis of exogenous anxiety in society as a source of "general alienation" for "an independent and opposing personality." According to E. Fromm, anxiety is generated by the inability of the individual to achieve harmony with the social environment and the resulting feeling of loneliness. M. Argyle statistically proved that loneliness (meaning existential loneliness, when you can't be yourself with anyone) generates stress.
* In a state of distress, for example, in response to the sudden deprivation of the mother, the child, unlike an adult, is not able to independently support and calm himself, he, as a rule, simply falls asleep, "turns off." Repetitive or permanently existing psycho-traumatic circumstances lead to a delay in the mental development of the child and a transition to a state of apathy with increased demands, capriciousness, and then with detachment and passivity. Among the factors that cause and maintain distress, in some cases objectively difficult, undoubtedly pathogenic external situations prevail: early separation from parents due to their loss, imprisonment, severe mental disorder, placement of the child in an orphanage with soulless, cruel treatment, sexual violence and etc.
* However, in most cases, the psycho-traumatic effect is implicit, hidden. As a rule, we are talking about the inability of the immediate environment, primarily the mother, to provide the child with an atmosphere of trust, security, and emotional resonance. The situation of emotional deprivation can be hidden behind an outwardly quite prosperous home environment, in particular, behind a situation of hyperprotection and hyperprotection, when no one even suspects that very important sensory and behavioral components are missing in the relationship between parents and children. Parental figures that are of paramount importance, "supporting" for the child, often themselves suffer from various forms of personality disorders that prevent full-fledged emotional interaction in the family and, as a result, the normal mental development of the offspring.

life scenarios.

Renowned psychologist Eric Berne first proposed the idea that each person has one or more basic life positions or "life scenarios". These scenarios dictate our actions to us, and our behavior in general. Berne defined a "script" as an "unconscious life plan" that is drawn up in childhood and has a clear structure in our mind. We unconsciously act according to a plan that is familiar to us, understandable and predictable, gives us the illusion of "habituation", which means control over the situation and security. "Life scenarios" is our subconscious psychological defense against all kinds of emotional stress.
* The choice of script in early childhood is greatly influenced by our immediate environment. From the very first days of their lives, they give us "messages" (dictated by their own "life scenarios") on the basis of which our ideas about ourselves, those around us, and the world as a whole are formed. This does not mean at all that certain scenarios are "generic", passed down from generation to generation, down to the smallest detail. A certain style of life, a certain type of reaction (in particular, to relationships with the opposite sex), a certain "life scenario" are transmitted from generation to generation in the family. The theory of "life scenarios" also contains the origins of myths about "birth curses", "crowns of celibacy", "dirty karma" and so on. And changing your script to solve a problem of any psychological problem is not easy, but anyone can do it. Because you need to find and change the very essence of the scenario, and not external behavior. However, by changing external behavior, a person can also come to an understanding of what hinders in himself the implementation of the desired behavior.
* It is believed that by the age of seven the basis of the "life scenario" has been written. This does not mean that it will remain unchanged throughout life. All the fun is just beginning. A person can build his own life, you just need to understand what a strong influence subconscious scripts have, laid down in childhood and in the experience of the entire previous life.
* Solving everyday tasks, overcoming difficulties and problems that arise, a person thereby moves towards his goal, approaching perfection and harmony. Therefore, you don’t have to rack your brains about what was the root of your parents’ problems, what life scenario they passed on to you. In the course of your life, you will inevitably face the same questions that your parents could not solve, and everything will become clear on its own, in all its complexity and intricacy. It is believed that a person can get rid of the condemnation of parents, and indeed of older generations, only when he manages to overcome "generic" problems in his life. And the presence of condemnation, therefore, is an indicator that a person himself has the same shortcomings that he blames on significant figures in his past.

Parental directives.

American psychologists Robert and Mary Goulding talked about the same thing, but in different terms. They built the concept that many unresolved mental problems of parents are transmitted to their children, and in an aggravated form. This transmission occurs by suggestion from parent to child in early childhood. We can only teach others what we know ourselves. So parents pass on to their children "parental directives" about how to live, treat people and treat yourself.
* A directive is a hidden order, implicitly formulated by the words or actions of the parent, for the failure of which the child will be punished. Not explicitly (by flogging or a slap on the back of the head, silent blackmail or swearing), but indirectly - by their own guilt towards the parent who gave this directive. Moreover, a child (and often an adult - after all, we also control each other with the help of directives) cannot realize the true reasons for his guilt without outside help. After all, it is by fulfilling the directives that he feels "good and right." Therefore, it is incredibly difficult (but possible) to jump over the level of fullness of life and humanity that parents have reached. Moreover, if you do not make certain efforts, then a person becomes even more unhappy than his parents. The main directive, in which all the others could be included, is: "Don't be yourself." A person with this directive is constantly dissatisfied with himself. Such people live in a state of painful inner conflict. The rest of the directives below explain this. Here are brief examples of such directives (you can count dozens of them and analyze each of them in great detail):
The first directive is "Don't live." How many problems you brought us when you were born.
The second directive is "Don't trust yourself." We know better what you need in this life. There will always be those who think they know better than you what your duty is.
The third directive is "Don't be a child." Be serious, don't get excited. And a person, having become an adult, cannot learn to fully rest and relax, as he feels guilty for his "childish" desires and needs. In addition, such a person has a hard barrier in communicating with children.
The fourth directive is "Don't feel." This message can be transmitted by parents who themselves are used to holding back their feelings. The child learns to "not hear" the signals of his body and soul about possible troubles.
The fifth directive is "Be the best." Otherwise you cannot be happy. And since it is impossible to be the best in everything, then this child will not see happiness in life.
The sixth directive - "No one can be trusted - you can trust me!". The child learns to the world is hostile and only the cunning and treacherous survive in it.
The seventh directive is "Don't". As a result, the child is afraid to make any decisions on his own. Not knowing what is safe, experiences difficulties, doubts and excessive fears at the beginning of each new business.

Overcoming the consequences of psychological trauma.

People carry numerous and painful experiences of the past. Unhealed wounds can interfere with the normal development of a person's personality, which will manifest itself in different areas of life, as they create a false idea for the injured person about the world and their place in it. The feelings that accompany injuries and their consequences can be very different: resentment ("this is unfair, it should not be so, everyone is against me"); anxiety, fear, which begin to manifest later as a feeling of self-doubt, inadequacy, inferiority; shame and unconstructive guilt; isolation, loss; sense of the meaninglessness of life, the world as a whole.
* Awareness of trauma is a necessary, but extremely painful experience, to which a person must be carefully led. Often, what the person himself considers to be character traits are manifestations of defenses against painful experiences. This realization requires revision and reassessment of many things in one's own life.
* Living organisms would not be able to survive for any length of time without their innate ability to heal their wounds and diseases. Because of fear, we consciously and unconsciously prevent healing, block it. We cannot get rid of fear by a single deliberate and deliberate act of will; all we can do is suppress the fear in such a way that we are not afraid of fear. However, the consequence of such behavior is the suppression of all vital activities of the body, including the processes of natural and spontaneous healing. Only by relinquishing the control of the ego can the human body be able to fully preserve its vitality and energy, its natural health and passion.
* Many types of psychotherapy, directly or indirectly, are precisely concerned with the fact that a person develops in himself the fullness of his own life, overcomes the barriers and stereotypes laid down in the past. For example, body-oriented psychotherapy, through deep immersion in one's body, helps to find wrong attitudes and subconscious scripts that interfere with living in the present.

Parental love.

Parental love is an unconditional affirmation in the life of a child and his needs. But one important addition must be made here. The affirmation of a child's life has two aspects: one is the care and responsibility absolutely necessary for the preservation of the child's life and his growth. Another aspect goes beyond the mere preservation of life. This is an attitude that inspires a child with love for life, which makes him feel that it is good to be alive, it is good to live on this earth! A mother's love of life is as contagious as her anxiety. Both attitudes have a profound effect on the personality of the child as a whole.
* A mother's love for a growing child, a love that desires nothing for itself, is perhaps the most difficult form of love achievable, and the most deceptive because of the ease with which a mother can love her infant. But precisely because it is difficult, a woman can become a truly loving mother only if she is able to love at all; if she is able to love her husband, other children, strangers, all people. A woman who is unable to love in this sense may be a tender mother while the child is small, but she cannot be a loving mother whose task is to be ready to endure the separation of the child - and even after the separation to continue to love him.
* Love plays a huge educational role, exerting an ennobling influence on the formation of personality, makes the personality richer, more meaningful. For a child, especially a small one, parents are the whole world. The threat of being rejected by parents or losing parental love is something dangerous for a small child, literally for his very life. Therefore, for their own survival, the child is forced to accept those models of interaction that parents offer.
* He does not know other models and does not even know about their existence. A child living in fear is tense, anxious, and overwhelmed. Such a state is painful for him, and the child, in order not to experience pain or fear, will strive to become insensible. The "mortification" of the body with the help of muscle tension excludes pain and fear, since the "dangerous" impulses are imprisoned, as it were. In this way, survival begins to seem guaranteed, but for such an individual, repression of feelings becomes a genuine way of life. Pleasure is subordinated to survival, and the ego, which originally served the body in its desires for pleasure, now exercises control over the body in the interests of safety. A gap is formed between the ego and the body, which is controlled by a band of muscle tension at the base of the skull, which breaks the energy connection between the head and the body - in other words, between thinking and feeling.
* For a child, the family becomes a kind of psychodrama, where love and hate, jealousy and dependence, fear and longing are mixed. Ambivalence (contradiction of impressions from one object) reaches its peak. Parents who love and protect him may also attack him, leave him, die, lose heart, scold him, try to control him, etc. Culture and environment prescribe to love parents, so negative impressions find their expression in the figures of witches, Baba Yaga, etc. A. Freud wrote that children run away from the object of their fear, but at the same time they fall under his charm and irresistibly drawn to him. This happens because the child regains the opportunity to be aware of his negative impressions and experiences from this world, including intrauterine and infantile impressions. Although in this form, but you can live the presence in the world of good and bad. Young children and teenagers love to re-read fairy tales that frightened them, watch horror films, so that when they are frightened, they regain control over their fears.
* A symbolic image (or a situation in the game space) simultaneously expresses an emotion and restrains it. The development of symbolization contributes to the proper development of the individual, helps to cope with anxiety, take control of anxiety and fears. This development brings together external and inner space(real and fantasy world) of the child.
* The world of a child is different from the world of adults. Depending on age, children have their own logic, worldview, their own "zone of proximal development", their own capabilities. Wise parents peer and listen to their children, trying to understand what nature has endowed them with and what it lacked. Such parents are guided by the principle "You exist - it means I love you."
* To identify the underlying causes of children's anger, anger, envy, it should be remembered that they are secondary to feelings of pain, resentment, fear, which in turn arise from an unsatisfied need for love, recognition, respect. The latter are based on basic aspirations, expressed by the words "I am good" (self-esteem), "I am loved", "I can". The foundation of this entire pyramid is the feeling of inner well-being (or trouble) that is formed in the child as a result of our treatment of him.
* The roots of psychological trouble are obvious: these are gradually formed isolation, secrecy, insincerity, and even deceit, to which the child is accustomed from early childhood; it is a constant competition between family members; superficial and formal, turning into indifference, the relationship between family members.
* And in other cases not listed here, it is the children who have to pay the price for family problems first of all. And the cause-and-effect relationships of children's problems are far from always obvious. The feeling of trouble is the root of all childhood anomalies and tragedies. Punishment or self-punishment of a child only aggravates it, and only a constant strengthening of a sense of self-worth in him can help.
* The reason for the prevalence of "family curses" lies in the fact that parents unconsciously reproduce in relation to the child and to each other those unhealthy relationships that they learned as children in the family of their parents. "As recent comparative studies show, the nature and degree of the sense of autonomy that parents can form in their baby depends on their sense of self-worth and personal independence. For the child, our individual actions are not so important, he is primarily concerned about our position in life: we live whether we are like loving, helping each other and firm in our convictions people, or something makes us angry, anxious, internally bifurcated. E. Erickson.
* A person does not have a choice in relation to the unconscious part of his personality. In the same nooks and crannies, there are also curses that program a person for behavior that makes him infrequent. The attitude of others, primarily the mother, to the child, his needs, his desires is imprinted in the soul of the child from the first days of his life. If he receives warmth, affection, care, then an image of a safe, open and trustworthy world is formed. Otherwise, the world for the child's soul becomes a source of threat and discomfort.

Excerpts from the article "The Wounded Healer" by Rollo May.

... Adaptation always exists next to the question - adaptation to what? Adapting to the psychotic world in which we quite obviously live? Adapting to societies so Faustian and insensitive? And as I continue to think about it, I begin to realize that two of the greatest therapists I have ever known were ill-adapted people... Now it is very curious that each of these geniuses became great exactly in what was his the weakest point... I want to offer you a theory. This is the theory of the wounded healer. I want to suggest that we heal other people with our own wounds. Psychologists who become psychotherapists, like psychiatrists, are people who, as children, were supposed to become therapists for their own families. This is pretty well established by various teachings. And I propose to expand on this idea and suggest that the insight that comes to us through our own struggle with our problems leads us to develop empathy and creativity in relation to others ... and compassion ...
* Jerome Kagan, a professor at Harvard, conducted a long study of creativity and came to the conclusion that the main force of the artist (creator in general), i.e. what he called "creative freedom" is not innate. Perhaps she is prepared for something, but creativity itself is not innate. "Creativity," Kagan says, "is rooted in the pain of adolescent loneliness, isolation, and physical disability...People who have suffered from detrimental events in the past can and do function at an average or above average level." The coping mechanism is able to prevent the possible harmful effects of harmful experiences, but survivors can also transform their experience into something that will promote growth ... Prisoners who had a poor, unspoiled childhood are best adapted to concentration camps, at that time how most of those whose parents were rich and allowing, died first of all ...
* I've been thinking about all this a lot, as have my colleagues at the Cybrook Institute. They noticed that many of the people we highly respect went through the most terrible situations in early childhood ... A study of how the childhood of prominent people went reveals to us the fact that they did not quite receive the "growing", care, which is considered in our culture that it is they who lead children to mental health. It turns out that despite this or due to such conditions, these children not only survived, but also achieved a lot, and many of them after they had the most deplorable and traumatic childhood. Also here at Berkeley, research has been done on human development over time.
* A group of psychologists observed people from birth to 30 years of age. They observed 166 men and women and were shocked by the inaccuracy of their expectations. They got it wrong 2 out of 3 times, mostly because they overestimated the disruptive effect of problems early age. They also failed to foresee, and I think it's interesting to all of us, what are the consequences of a "smooth" and successful childhood. It is about that some degree stress and the number of provoking, "provocative" situations makes us grow, strengthens psychological strength and competence ... The period of degeneration and chaos, I hope, is not eternal, but it can often be used as a way to reform and reorganize us on a new level.

Injuries to the child due to unresolved problems of parents and others.

Excerpts from the book "Love and Orgasm" by Alexander Lowen: No wonder they say that healthy children are born to parents who were happy in bed - and one cannot but agree with this. Clinical experience has repeatedly confirmed this truth, only from its reverse side, since the connection of childhood neuroses with sexual inconsistency and parental conflicts has invariably been traced. In general, we can safely say the following: a mother who receives satisfaction in her sexual life is able to easily satisfy the needs of her child, because she has a sufficient supply of love for this.
* Rich material for understanding the connection between love and sex is provided by the study psychosexual development child. From a biological point of view, every child is the fruit of love, because sex is an expression of love on the bodily level. Unfortunately, most people tend to experience conflicts and contradictions, and sex and pregnancy are often aggravated by the so-called "secondary urges" (according to W. Reich). Thus, sex can become an act of submission, in order to avoid conflict, rather than a voluntary expression of love; and pregnancy is the result of a woman's secondary desire to tie a man tighter or to fill a void in her life. Such "secondary feelings" limit maternal love, although they do not negate it. Every expression of love and attention shown by a woman to a child shows her love for him; but at the same time she may hate him; many mothers talk about this, saying that sometimes they feel such anger towards the baby, as if they were ready to kill him. A sharp tone, a cold look, a caustic remark can betray an unconscious hostility that the child is sensitive to. At the same time, in the first days of his life, he, like all young mammals, simply responds with an expression of pleasure or pain to the satisfaction or refusal to satisfy his needs, not understanding the emotional difficulties of the mother.
* And in the further development of the child - which resembles the evolution of life on Earth - at each stage of development, the child can be traumatized due to unresolved problems of parents and others. A child who did not receive enough spiritual warmth in childhood will then strive all his life to make up for its deficiency. Emotional hunger experienced in childhood, a person will sooner or later want to compensate for something.

Betrayal of love. How I would like to be myself.

We all suffer in one way or another from the fact that we were not loved in childhood, were not allowed to be ourselves and develop in accordance with our nature, when the eyes of relatives betray you, because they put the image of you in your place, and you must match their image. Due to the fact that children are completely dependent on adults, they are forced to compromise with themselves so as not to die and go crazy. Therefore, they gradually accept the truth about themselves that their parents convey.
* In other words, if parents do not know how to truly love, children lose themselves. The child began to avoid himself because everyone avoids himself. Every child is born in a crowd and begins to imitate people, to repeat their actions. The child finds himself in the same painful situation as the others. He begins to think that this is the whole life.
* Problem adults are distinguished by extremely unstable and polarized self-esteem, the formation of which dates back to the earliest stages of personality development. They lack the basic sense of well-being, inner harmony and self-sufficiency that is created as a function of optimal comfort, satiety and security in a balanced relationship between parents and the developing child. As a result of this deficiency, the acquisition of the ability to love oneself and others, the presence of which is necessary for the development of a person's sense of self-worth and, ultimately, for a purposeful and independent existence, is delayed. As a result, such individuals are in a constant rush between positions of low value with self-denial and isolation - and "omnipotence" with the rejection of reality, self-aggrandizement and bravado.
* For this contingent as a whole, it is common to identify poorly, differentiate and verbalize their feelings. So, answering a question about their condition, in some cases they cannot recognize the presence of actual experiences in general, say how they feel and what worries them, in others they are not able to distinguish, for example, anxiety from melancholy, sadness from anger and etc. At the same time, many of them show a high level of logical analysis of their own and other people's goals and intentions, are able to predict significant situations, manage their development, and in everyday life give the impression of practical people. However, in the nature of their own motivations, they give feelings an inadequately small, secondary place, guided by more or less socially acceptable clichés of the rational and expedient. Their emotional life is deficient and, in fact, is determined by the situational context, limited to reactions to events and facts. In relation to "difficult" for the individual, unpleasant or contradictory feelings, the mechanisms of alienation operate. There are frequent episodes of dissatisfaction with one's own mental functioning, primarily with the ability to experience "true" joy, pleasure, and others. positive emotions. Parents, spouses and other relatives of such people often note that patients in the past complained about the lack of self-realization, boredom, and the “dullness” of their existence. Others mainly actualize the problem of the apparent lack of their own spontaneous activity, low tone with a feeling of "automaticity", insufficient meaningfulness of their existence, inner emptiness.
* And in later life, to begin the path to psychological well-being, the first step should be self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is a very important gift, which is called "the most important law of personal growth." This gift could be given to us by our parents, if they had it in themselves. We could give this gift to our children, if we have it. Acceptance is when you simply accept something as it is and say, "So that's the way it is."
* We will always look at things through the filters "can't", "shouldn't", "should", "should" and filters of bias and prejudice. When reality conflicts with our ideas of what reality should be, it always wins. Therefore, we either fight reality and get some frustration, or turn away from it and look for ways to protect our consciousness.
* Acceptance is the first step to successful action. If you cannot fully accept the situation as it is, it will be difficult for you to change it. Moreover, if you do not fully accept the situation, you will never be able to know if it needs to be changed at all.
* The value of acceptance is that your attitude towards life and yourself becomes better. Nothing will change the past. You can fight the past, pretend it didn't happen, or you can accept it. When you are in a state of rejection, it is difficult for you to learn. A pinched psyche, prepared for combat with the real presence of what is not to be received, cannot be taught. Relax. Accept what is already there, whether done by you or independently. And then try to get a lesson.
* How can you love yourself? First of all, stop comparing yourself, stop judging. Accept yourself the way you are. Develop and seek love for yourself. Self-love is love for life: for life in general and for life in oneself.
* Our childhood and relationships in the parental family can be both the cause of serious problems and the main support and source of resources in adulthood. In childhood, a lot is laid down. And you can find a lot of positive, supportive moments.
Find out what else is useful and interesting on this site, you can follow the link:
* And in conclusion, an excerpt from the book is offered "Duality and openness", J. Bugental, about the opportunity to be yourself and find the fullness of life:
* For sixty years I have been trying to prepare myself to live a real life. For sixty years I have been preparing for a life... that will begin as soon as I figure out how to live... as soon as I earn enough money... as soon as I have more time... as soon as I become more human who can be trusted. Lately I feel like I know a little more about how to live, how to be a friend, how to be sincere with people, how to face the truth. Recently, I have become more confident in myself. Am I too late?
* For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be "correct". The trouble is that definitions of "correctness" change all the time. The only thing that remains unchanged is that the right people something very different from me.
* My mother was a big admirer of "cultured people". I even got the impression that such people were created from a different test than most people. Maybe because her other favorite word for describing cultured people was the word "noble". But none of these words - "correct", "cultured", "noble" - did not really help me in my search.
* Sometimes I began to imagine how such people live. Imagine their home, necessarily on the hill, and much more expensive than our depression-ravaged family could afford. They had undoubtedly lived in this house for several generations, and they had higher education - something that neither my parents nor their brothers and sisters had. And they had not a job, but a "profession".
* I will, I must be good, right. Being "right" is so important, and it's so easy to lose that quality. Obviously, to be right means to please the teachers, to be a "mummy's son." Clearly, being right means not being like a father - loving but too unreliable, getting drunk whenever we really need him.
* The wrong in me should be ashamed because it is sexy, emotional and impractical, because it wants to play all the time when I make it work, because it likes to dream, not to be realistic. Two selves: one gradually becomes more and more public, the other more and more hidden.
* The depression ended with the beginning of the military boom. I married my college girlfriend before Hitler entered Poland. Higher education, my new-found self-confidence, and the war-created need for psychologists helped me reach a higher position. I must have done everything right. And yet the shadowy, the wrong has always been with me.
* I received my doctorate in clinical psychology in the wake of post-war educational enthusiasm. I taught at the university and started publishing professional articles. With two colleagues, we opened a private practice and devoted many hours over a period of about fifteen years to developing our knowledge, technique, and self-awareness. And involuntarily I introduced a time bomb into my life.
* I found that doing psychotherapy means gradually getting deeper and deeper into the world of the people you are counseling, into the world of completely different personalities. At first, one session per week was enough, then our work began to require two, three, four sessions per week. This reflected our growing understanding that the goals we pursue are significant life changes; the forces we fight are deeply rooted; the work of unraveling lifelong patterns to break through to new possibilities is the greatest thing that I and the people I work with have ever done.
* Enthusiasm for others is varied: I have embarked on a path that takes me beyond familiar relationships in my attempts to be open and sincere, in trying to bring about change in others, in striving to be more of a healer than one person can be to another, and - deep down under everything this is in trying to overcome the split in oneself, helping his patients cope with the same split in themselves.
* In this way, knowledge of human experience accumulated, and gradually the price of my double life began to become clear. My attempts to share this growing understanding at home were seen as bragging about my growing professional success and were not appreciated. I turned to psychoanalysis and spent many hours on the couch trying to bring out my duality and get rid of it, trying to justify or hide it. The analysis ended in vain, the duality became even more painful than before, and more than before, disturbed my thoughts.
* The burden of this duality weighed heavily on me at home, in the family. This served as a constant contradiction of my growing sincerity with others, and I felt guilty and rejected. I felt that only my "correct" self was accepted in my marriage. So the end was sealed. We really loved each other - to the extent that we really knew each other - and so the breakup hurt both of us. She was a good wife, as far as I can tell, and I - a good husband and a father in their own eyes. But we couldn't be together anymore, anyway, I didn't know how to help it. As gently as possible, but yet with inevitable cruelty, I parted from the house on the hill and from the companion with whom I shared so much and with whom I could never feel a whole person. I left behind two adult children whom I knew so little and who knew me so little. I tried to be everything to them that my father was not to me - financially wealthy, famous and respected in society - but I did not know how to be myself with them.
* Now it is time for change, time for healing and hope for a new life. The secret self was no longer secret. I dived into the sea of ​​shame and found that I didn't drown. In new relationships, I gradually dared to show more and more of my true self and found that I was accepted. In my new marriage, I discovered how perverse my need to hide my inner life was, how much I took for granted my separateness. But this woman shared my beliefs and, like me, valued fullness and supported me in my attempts to achieve wholeness. And the old splitting has diminished.
* I gave up trying to be right; I want to try to be myself. Trying to be myself turns out to be almost as difficult as trying to be what I should be. But gradually it gets better and better. Everyone who came to me for help taught me patiently. I have seen again and again how a person's life turns upside down when he begins to discover his inner awareness, begins to pay attention to his own desires, fears, hopes, intentions, fantasies. So many people are doing the same thing I did - trying to dictate what should happen instead of opening up the true flow of their experiences. Dictating in this way is the way to death, which kills the spontaneity of our existence. Only inner awareness makes true being possible, and only this is the only guide on my path to true life.
* I was never taught to listen to my inner feeling. On the contrary, I was taught to obey the outside - parents, teachers, Boy Scout leaders, professors, bosses, government, psychologists, science - from these sources I took instructions on how to live my life. I learned early on to see demands that came from within as suspicious, selfish, and irresponsible, as sexual (a terrible possibility), or as disrespectful to my mother (if not worse). Inner impulses - and all authorities seem to agree with this - are random, unreliable, subject to immediate strict control. In the beginning, this control should be exercised by adults, but if I were the right person (here it is again), in time I could act as a supervisor myself, as if the parent, teacher, or policeman were right here (as they are), in my head.
* So now that I have begun to try to listen to myself, there are so many stations signaling at the same time that it is difficult to distinguish your own voice among them. I would not even know that I have this voice if the thousands of hours that I spent listening to my patients did not clearly demonstrate to me that it exists in each of us, and our task is to regain this innate right of the inner voice, which was partially or completely suppressed. So I came to the conclusion that even I have this inner feeling, the inner knowing that guides me.
* Seemingly unusual behavior is a relatively open expression of the tension and emotions that each of us experiences internally, but often suppresses. The world would be a saner and safer place if each of us could find a way out of it that is harmless to ourselves and others and leads to growth.
* Each person develops a way of being in the world that is a reasonable compromise between how he understands himself and his needs, and how he understands the world with its opportunities and dangers. Unfortunately, understanding of both develops in childhood, and in our culture there is very little help for a person to reconsider his childhood worldview in adulthood. Thus we develop ways of being that narrow and limit our lives. What we call intensive psychotherapy is actually an accelerated educational process, aimed at reaching maturity delayed by twenty, thirty or more years due to attempts to live with a childish attitude to life.
* I made one of the most amazing discoveries: how difficult it is for all of us to look at our lives honestly and without prejudice. Almost every person who has consulted me has had to do so because he is dissatisfied with the way his life has turned out; everyone tried different ways to change their lives, but these efforts did not bring satisfaction. It might be expected, therefore, that each of them had already spent a great deal of time pondering over and over again how his life was going and what he could do to make it go according to his desires. Not at all. None of the people who came to me really knew how to revise the foundations of their lives, although these people, of course, made attempts to revise their work or some other outer areas of their lives, if there is something in them. it didn't go the way they wanted. On the contrary, all these people, as usual, like myself, are accustomed to not trusting their inner experience, avoiding and devaluing it.
* Critical examination of oneself can take the form of vain regret, aggressive self-blame, sad self-pity, making plans and projects for oneself, making decisions and debriefing, self-punishment, or many other efforts to change the actions or feelings of this deceptive and troublesome self.
* What is required of a person who wants to be the master of his life? The main thing is to give and open your consciousness as fully as possible to the care of your life, to the very fact that you live here, in a certain place, at a certain time. Most of us seem to mindlessly believe that we really do have such awareness, and we only sometimes let it be obscured by various interferences - social pressure, attempts to strengthen our images, guilt, etc. In fact, such open and free awareness is extremely rare, and only people who are skilled in meditation and some other contemplative arts can develop it to a significant level.
* Understanding how rarely we truly have inner awareness seems to me extremely important. If it's hard for me to think seriously about my life, it's no wonder I can't build the life I want. If such a situation is universal (and I believe it is), it is possible to trace the causes of many personal and social troubles back to their source, which lies in our inability to meaningfully and purposefully use our opportunities.
* After all, if I were going to fix my car's engine, the first thing I would want to do is see what condition the engine is in now. Only an objective and complete assessment of the current situation and a reasonable understanding of what needs to be done and what I have to work with to do it, allows me to hope that my efforts will lead to favorable changes in the engine. It seems that everything should be exactly the same with my life.
* But, of course, it's not like that. I am the very process that I want to understand. What I want to explore involves the process of exploration itself. The engine does not change when I inspect it. But when I try to consider my life, I also try to consider my own consideration, which is a completely different undertaking.
* There is a decisive and very important difference between the study of the engine and a fuller awareness of one's being. After I've finished inspecting the engine, the real work has just begun. On the other hand, when I am fully aware of my being - including my feelings about my way of being and how I really want to live - the real work is over!
* Wait a minute. Think about this reasoning; it is of great importance. In this difference between the process of repairing an engine and the process of growing or changing our own lives, the whole essence of the uniqueness of human existence is concentrated. And this essence can be formulated by two main ideas.
* Firstly, the process of awareness itself is a creative, developing process. That's right: the process of awareness itself is a creative, healing force that actualizes our growth. We are all too accustomed to thinking of awareness in terms of a movie camera model that passively captures but in no way affects what is happening in front of it. But this is wrong. Certainly, when we turn this powerful force, which is our human awareness, into our own being, we launch the most important process which is at our disposal.
* It's very simple: we don't have to do anything with ourselves to be what we really want to be; instead, we should simply be truly ourselves and be aware of our being as widely as possible. However, this is just in words only; it is incredibly difficult to achieve this in reality. The point is that when I become more aware of what I want to be and what is holding me back from being that, I am already in the process of changing. Full awareness itself is a way to become what I truly aspire to be.
* The second extremely important idea clarifies why the process of awareness is so powerful: awareness is the fundamental nature of human life. Chew this statement slowly; it contains all the life-changing energy. If we compare mere physical existence with real life as I understand it and yours, it will be clear that our nature is fully embodied in awareness. Thus, the more fully I am aware, the more alive I am. The more I distort my awareness, the more I distort my life. The more I increase the volume and mobility of my awareness, the more complete my experience becomes.
* It is easy to lose sight of the importance of this identity for our lives and our awareness. We, representatives of Western culture, have become so accustomed to an objective view of the world that we are constantly trying to turn our own being into an object. And we find objects suitable for these efforts. Such an object is a person. Personality is made up of all the truly objective aspects of our being. It includes our body image, our ideas about who we are, our assumptions about how others perceive us, and our personal history. So the concept of "personality" is an abstraction, a perceptual and conceptual object. It's not who I am, but rather what I was and what I did. Personality is a product of the activity of the Self. It is a shed skin, an outwardly observable aspect of what has already changed and is an absolutely pure and absolutely subjective process.
* Psychotherapists are constantly trying to identify factors that contribute to change. If only we could better understand why some people receive such significant help in the process of psychotherapy, while others, seemingly very similar, show little or no change. Every therapist, every theory, every technique can achieve some success; but they all have to admit that they have their failures too. How important are insight, understanding the patient's history, the relationship with the therapist, the release of previously repressed emotions, and other recognized healing effects?
* Sometimes a patient achieves a new understanding of his life and his problems - as we say, an insight - and the results are profound, life-changing. Sometimes the most detailed study of a patient's life history and symptoms is as useless as last year's stock ticker.
* In short, my search led me to the realization that each of us has an inner sense, an organ of perception of our subjective world, but that too often we are not taught to appreciate and use this vital element of our being. As a result, we are lost in the wilderness of objectifications, deprived of the guiding star of our identity that would guide us on the right course towards true incarnation.
* Realizing the enormous importance of this inner vision for our daily existence, I began to realize that it can also lead to other important consequences that lie beyond the everyday.
* I am convinced that we do not live in true harmony with our deepest nature. On the contrary, it seems to me that we live in images of ourselves. They are distorted and reduced. We think of ourselves as machines and animals and take these as properties of our nature when these are just the simplest means to our ends.
* The people I have worked with have taught me that our nature is much deeper and much less understood than we usually think. And most of our lives we live with limited ideas about ourselves. We usually lose sight of the fact that each of us lives our lives according to our own image of what is possible. When we are told that we are animals and ideas like "freedom and dignity" are illusions, we can internalize this image of ourselves. Of course, it is true that we are animals, just as it is true that we can walk on all fours. A great threat to man is the behaviorist views being imposed on us, but not because they are wrong. The reign of truly erroneous views of human nature would be relatively short. No, the danger is not that Skinner and his colleagues are wrong, but that they are right. They are right, but their rightness is deliberately one-sided and destructive.
* A person can be reduced to the level of a white rat or a dove. A person can be turned into a machine. The reduced image of a person can be used to control him, as Skinner wants to do.
* When I think about the kind of psychotherapy that most absorbs me right now, I find myself using words that sound strange in this context: I am mostly busy working with those patients who allow me to share with them the search for god in themselves .
* I am convinced that the awareness of each individual is a unique part of the Universe. Every person is a part of existing matter, and in this sense every awareness is like a plant, an animal, or even a river or a mountain. Each being receives a certain portion of the flow of being (sunlight, gravity, chemical composition air) and uses it in accordance with its own nature (metabolism, vulnerability to attention, influences and destruction), contributes to the overall cosmic system (releasing carbon dioxide, reflecting light). During this cycle, the matter of the cosmos changes form, but it does not add or decrease. We call this the "law of conservation of matter".
* But the individual human mind is not only like an animal, a river or a mountain. Each person also has the opportunity to bring something new into the Universe, something that did not exist before. In the area of ​​meanings, a person not only reproduces existing concepts in a new way, but can in some cases create truly new meanings and meanings. If this authentic creativity is a gift from God, then the creation of new meanings, new visual images, new relationships, new decisions testifies to the divinity of our deepest being.
* One more thing can be added to this expanded view of the role of man in the universe. A person is a special element of the system, an element that has knowledge about the entire system and about itself. It is quite clear that a person does not know everything - or perhaps even most of it - about the system and about himself, but the very fact that he knows something completely changes the whole course of things. And this is another very real divine ability that man has: we participate in the great work of creation. We create not only new meanings and images within our subjective world. We are also - as far as we know - the only creatures in the entire cosmic system who consciously choose from the infinity of possibilities those elements that actually come true. We humans serve as the architects of reality, constantly reshaping reality and adapting it more or less successfully to our needs.
* So when I talk about the search for the god hidden in man, I mean, quite literally, that I believe in the divine power hidden in each of us - in the ability to be creative and aware of our participation in determining the shape of the world.
* This creative process of exploring and discovering my awareness is a perilous adventure, the consequences of which are difficult to foresee; and its long-term results are inexhaustible. I can learn much more from such a journey than solving a problem or making a difficult choice. Although the degree of determination and ability various people to walk this path is very different, many achieve a renewed sense of their own identity, strength and opportunities that open before them. In cases where we dare to look into the depths of our being and not distort what we see, we return with the feeling that we have seen God.
* The deeper I can penetrate into my own possibilities, the closer I come to seeing God. I don't think there is an endpoint. I do not think of God as a specific entity or being. It seems to me that God is a dimension of infinite possibility; God is the possibility of everything.
* When we discover our own sense of possibility, we discover our deepest nature and expose our own more and more. vitality. To know (in the deepest sense of knowledge) what is possible is to bring to life what is. To know how to live more fully is to be dissatisfied with the accidental and partial in your present life. Understanding the fullness of life that awaits us makes us greedy in our desire to enrich our lives.
© Pozdnyakov Vasily Alexandrovich, August 26, 2005